As Ben Franklin said :

In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember : Water = Poop Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk kak, than to drink water and be full of kak.

Sunday visit

So look who decided to recline mere metres from my front door on Sunday afternoon....





he was one beeeeg puffy!!!!!!!!

Are you loooooonesome toniiiiiight

So the band is away for a few days. And it is POURING with rain here in the Cape. I have resigned myself to the fact that a spider encounter in his absence is practically inevitable. Wish me luck people. I'm working on my bravery!

My laundry / dressing room and my kitchen are flooding nicely. There is no exaggeration here... they really are. As we speak.

It seems our thatch needs replacing, you see. So in a couple of weeks we will be moving out while they give us an entire new roof. I have chosen to be positive about this... new thatch SURELY means less spiders. Right?

Anyway, quite cool - we've been making these new ads for this huge campaign that I've been working my bum off on. Look out for them on tv in June and in the mags from now... be the hero is the strapline.

sorry so blegh, not much to say!

The saga continues

I went to sleep last night not feeling too happy – my back and bum and legs were achy and sore. But went to sleep and thought it would get better. At 4 frikken AM I woke up in agony. The aforementioned parts were cramping like crazy. There could be one of three reasons for this: 1) I am 26 now and aging fast, 2) I am on a bit of a detox and haven’t really had salt this week and 3) our bed is from hell.

Anyway, I got up to make myself a hot water bottle, have some salt (in the form of a big fingerful of peanut butter) and the band suggested we move to the spare room – maybe I’d have better luck there. So while the kettle was boiling I (obviously) performed a thorough spider inspection of the room and all was well. Got sorted with the hot water bottle and went back into spare room with the band.

THERE, SCUTTLING DOWN THE WALL, WAS A MASSIVE “RAIN” SPIDER. Being the fearless, hitchhiking, crocodile catching conservationist that the band knows and loves, I SCREAMED, leapt into his* arms and began sobbing. Real smooth. In my defence, somewhere amid my incoherent wracking sobs I’m sure I heard myself mumble something along the lines of “It’s not fair. It’s 4 in the morning and all I ask for is some sleep.”

And so you see, it wasn’t fear that made me cry. It was the bloody injustice and sneakiness of it all. I mean seriously. I CHECKED for spiders and the little bugger was obviously hiding camouflaged on one of the beams. Do you know what this means?? I now have to step my spider inspections up a notch! Gonna have to use a freakin spotlight so they can’t hide in the shadows.

What really gets me is their timing. Most insects and spiders are fairly random, just going about their business, not trying to upset anyone. But the rain spiders that inhabit my living space are down right MALEVOLENT. Think about it: They always manage to catch me when I’m most vulnerable – the band is usually not around, I am usually starkers or else they are right in my comfort zone. Pure evil.

*(For those of you who are wondering, no of course he didn’t kill it, that would be optimistic. He bottled it and is releasing it at his work this morning... No comment)

If you were around in 1919

and came upon the following poster.........

I mean seriously.... Would you quit drinking???

Sorry I've been scarce!

But work is insane at the moment. Check out the WWF ad below - I l0ve it! haha

"15km2 of rainforest disappears every minute"

Genie meme

Seeing as I should be preparing for my big meeting, I see no better time than now to do a meme that I wasn't even tagged to do. (procrastination and digressing - they're my things!)

So the meme is from Sweets' blog and basically you have to answer the following:

If a Genie arrived one day and told you:

"You have 3 wishes..use them wisely."

What would you wish for?

Well duh! I'd obviously wish for more wishes!!! (I didn't see any fine print on this!)
Ok, now you do it, but no stealing of my idea!!

About what?

Glad you care to ask.

Got a beeeeg meeting this afternoon. Chairing this new committee at our work to make our offices and travel a bit more sustainable and seeing as we are a frikken conservation organisation it's about dam time we do! Anyway all the big wigs are on this committee and I am in charge. Pretty daunting, but also a nice opportunity. Wish me luck and think of me at 3pm...

So I'm FREAKING OUT

I just am ok??!

Happy birthday to meeeee

So anyway, thanks again to all the wonderful citizens of blogville who somehow amazingly remembered my birthday. I suck with birthdays (would probably 4get my mom's if it wasn't the same as mine), so I'm not quite sure how you did it... i wasn't THAT blatant was i?

Anyway, I wanted to tell you a little bit about it.

Ok so on my birthday eve I dutifully baked a choc cake and a lemon meringue for tea at work the next day. I am a founding member of CLASS (cake lovers appreciation society) at work so I could hardly NOT bake. The thing is I don't actually have a proper oven so I spent the evening running back and forth to my neighbours. Chaos and a huge mission. Was a horrible night with burnt cake, a fight with the shmoo and me falling in a ditch in the garden on our way out. I sat there in the mud after 3 hours of baking and shower and I started to cry. I really never will make a very convincing house wife. The band was at a complete loss. Sure my knee was spouting blood like I'd hit an artery, but that wasn't the reason for the tears. The tears were borne of pure frustration and a little fear of my impending 26th birthday. I mean 26 people!! 25 = charming mid-twenties. But some might call 26 heading to your late twenties. EEK. Any I wailed to the band that the only thing likely to save me now was a stiff G&T which he faithfully produced to mud-caked me out Bohemia. (Yes, the venue of the infamous Stellenbosch police raids - I like to live on the edge - even in my old age).

Anyway, following the Worst Night Ever, I awoke on my birthday to the Best Day Ever. Really!! The band brought me croissants and coffee in bed and then presented all my millions of presents one by one. There were some from his and my family and plenty from him. They included about 5 pairs of earrings which he had made me. A collection of Roald Dahl short stories to inspire me to write my book. A few cheques. And a curious number of scarfs. (scarves?)

Then I got to work and got spoilt some more. Everyone loved the lopsided cake - i had scraped off all the burnt bits - or at least they did a convincing portrayal of people who loved the cake.

I only had to work 1/2 day on my bday so then I went home to prepare for my party that night in Cape Town.

IT WAS FANTASTIC.

Me and my cuzziiiiiiin

The Haunting (written yesterday evening)

She’s back. Or maybe it’s the father. I think so… pervy daddy long legs. *SHUDDER*

So anyway. I ate supper etc etc, came into my room for the nightly spider inspection and the coast was all clear. I bravely let down the blinds and checked under the pillows. All good. Phew.

The band had gone up the road to watch the footie, so it was just me.

I had a long bubble bath planned and the water was running while I brushed my teeth. Then I noticed a freakish, annoying reddish slow moving fly thing lolling about where my head would soon be resting. I wasn’t happy. Ingeniously I used a candle to relocate it (I know!!). But instead of flying out the window as planned…. It flew up, up, up to the corner of the ceiling (the house is thatch so it has weird shaped corners and high roof with no ceiling actually. I digress (it’s what I do). Anyway, I was watching the creepy fly and BAM!!!! There he was. (*SHUDDER!!!!!!*) The grossly oversized ARACHNID (*cue creepy organ music*)

I yelled out an obscenity. There goes the idea of a bath (probably ever again). Ain’t no way this thing is ogling upon my nakedness AGAIN with his freaky compound eyes. Eeeeeeeeeeeugh. And I swear, even the angle that he stood at was perfectly positioned for the view. Heebees!! It was like he was waiting for me.

You will be proud to know, valued readers, that in that moment I thought of you. Yup and it gave me strength (not enough strength to strip naked in front of the gigantosaurus one, but still) I didn’t even cry this time!! I cursed him for only showing himself when the band was away. I cursed him for robbing me of my bathtime. Then I thanked him for at least rather being in the bathroom than my bedroom. (Hey, you gotta look on the bright side).

I tried to take a photo for you, but he is cunningly placed in the shadow. How convenient!! But I did try to measure his size – albeit from a safe distance – and his diameter is less than the length of a tube of toothpaste, but more than the length of a razor. So I guess he’s about 20cm. THAT IS HUGE!!! And his legs aren’t even completely outstretched!!!

So I’m typing this in my spider-free room telling myself that hygiene is overrated and that I can last til I get to work before I wee. Seriously… don’t see myself re-entering that bathroom til the evil one has left the building!! He’s waiting to pounce. (one last *SHUDDER* for good measure)

Some inspirational posters just for you guys

Let me know which one's your favourite....









haha they really are!!




LOVE IT! this is definitely my best one. hahaha

Karma kills me

so it seems that karma is no myth...even though your actions sometimes take more than a decade to come back and bite you. Ok, to be technically correct, the bite is still pending... but its probably inevitable.

I digress. Let me explain.

When I was about 8 years old, the movie Arachnophobia came out. Remember it? Low grade horror about an infestation of killer spiders in American suburbia? Well I watched it with my friend - probably illegally coz it must have had a mean age restriction in those days. Smartass that I tend to be, I sat next to her and subtly tickled her in the tensest moments of the movie - obviously every time she would completely FREAK OUT thinking it was a killer spider.

Stupid Stupid me.

Revenge is hell.

So jump forward 18 years. It's 2008 and I'm a grown up. Living in our quaint little home. Life is good. EXCEPT for the spiders.

Now I need to clarify here... I am not arachnophobic. At some point we had an infestation of brown widows - the only slightly less venomous cousin of the black widow - living in our kitchen and it didn't freak me out at all (especially after I doom fogged the living daylights out of them), jumping spiders? Annoying but otherwise no problem. It's the RAIN spiders that kill me. I mean seriously. Rain has all these soothing, life giving, gentle, clean, slow, healthy, peaceful connotations. RAIN SPIDERS on the other hand are scuttling, vicious, brown, hairy, vile, evil, sadistic, overgrown arachnids that resemble rodents. The fact that they appear with the rain is HARDLY their most prominent attribute and I propose that they should be more appropriately named!!!

Anyway, where was I? So a while ago, I am in my room, changing. So I am standing in the nick when I get the feeling someone is watching me. Many many eyes in fact. I look down and not far off is a spider the approximate size of my neighbours cat. HE IS STARING AT ME in the way that only a creature with compound eyes can. and I am naked. VIOLATED!!!! No, ladies, this is not a nightmare, it's absolutely true. HEEEEBEEEJEEEEBEEEES!!!! Naturally I leapt on the bed and phoned the band who was in the next room, to come and rescue me. But the emotional damage had been done.

After that I became a little more careful in the evenings, performing spider checks before bed. I check my bed, under the blankets, under the pillows and behind the door. So you'd think i was covered right? Right? WRONG. A few weeks ago I let down the blind and obviously heraldo the many legged wonder was kipping there. He LEAPT down, just inches from me... I think I even heard him scream at me. Little bastard.
I flew out the room and all was well for a while.... until last night.

Now I need to just tell you that this is TRAUMATIC at its worst. It would have sounded arb without all the above details, but considering the years of spider induced torment that I have endured, I trust you will be able to understand my hysteria following last night's incident.

This is what happened:
I went to my room to perform my nightly ritual spider check. I checked all the usual spots. Let down the blinds carefully keeping a safe distance when I saw her. *SHUDDER*

We have bedside tables and just under the one on the bands side I saw a shadow. I looked a little closer (all the while the dread was growing) and my worst fear was realised. It was a mother spider (Even as a i write this i'm itching like mad) and she was sitting on a massive ping pong sized hatch of furry spider eggs. SIFF MAN PEOPLE!!! She was RIGHT THERE. Like if he was in bed facing that way she could have stretched out her siff twiggy leg and stroked him. RIGHT THERE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!

OH THE ITCHINESS!!! So the band being the band went to collect a jar and as he was scooping her and her (*mini vomit*)offspring in he told her "I'm not happy about this. Not happy about this at all!" Then he went and let her free about 100m from our house.

I tried people. I tried to explain to him that because he never kills the bloody things they have begun to view our BEDROOM as a refuge. But no, he let her... nay, THEM free.

At this stage I had become a little hysterical. I grabbed our pillows and went to do a spider check in our spare room. The coast was clear (I made the band double check the scary bits like under the bed). After that I pretty much lay in bed freaking out. The band did his absolute best not to laugh at my tears of terror, but I heard a few snorts breaking through.

And that will teach me to scare my friend during a horror flick when I was 8 years old.

Crazed taxis and cheap chinese

So to even say "crazed taxis" in SA is utterly tautologic and verbose (for the super bright ones out there - anyone, anyone??? -yes, I do realise) but nevertheless, it must be said.

Capetonians who moan about taxis really have no clue. JHB taxis are a special special breed of crazy.

Cheap chinese. I'm not referring to the women in point rd (ok, fine, I know that's in durbs, sooorrrreeeeee for not knowing the local prozzie hang out in JHB), I'm referring to the meal I bought today from Kung Fu Kitchen. WHAT A BARGAIN!!

What else.. yesterday I met a tame(ISH) vulture named Percy - one of the reasons i'm in joburg was for the launch of this project through which we are working with the agricultural industry to save SA's vultures.

Anyway, the good news is that because JHB is so dry my hair is looking downright fabulous. (Yes, you can be straight and use that word!)

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE??

Monday on Friday

So today has been a crap one.
Woke up and made cereal and milky coffee.
The milk was off - it only expires on sunday, but nevertheless.

Work has been chaotic today. a bit much.

I had to have a flu injection - so much sorer than i remember injections being. feels like BOTH my arms and my spine are bruised. I may be a mild hypochondriac tho.

SOMEHOW i have agreed to go to this meeting tonight on the other side of the planet (well close), it's a planning meeting for this workshop that I have somehow been roped into giving on creative writing. I like writing and all that but I like my weekends more!!!

I have to be in JHB from Mon to Fri next week. ugh. That means dry hair, dry skin, getting hopelessly lost and eating on the run.

Anyone keen to host a little blog party while i'm there????

This celeb needs a PA

So I took my diary home last night (schoolgirl error) and left it there(obviously). There is not a whole lot of petrol in my car (I'm a struggling actress after all) and I am LOST without it. DAM
Forget "growing up"... it's more like getting old!! esp seeing as it is a mere 17 sleeps til my BIRTHDAY!!

TMZ ME

So it seems I'm destined for stalkers and paparazzi. I should probably start hitting the coke and wearing no undies. Fame is such a burden.

This week I presented 3 short segments on climate change on a tv programme. I KNOW!

It airs in May and then it's Hollywood for me baby!!

More disturbing evidence

that i am growing up...

I have joined a bookclub. (I KNOW!)

Well actually, that's not entirely accurate... I actually started the bookclub.

It all began when my friend max and i went to this cheese and wine thing at a local bookshop here in stellenbosch (hey, free chow, what can you do?)

We started dreaming big about.. well cheese and wine really. About how we'd have this bookclub and how we'd meet new people, (It's tough in stellenbosch when all your study mates have moved on to the big cities!!) how it would be dedicated girl time, how we'd dress all nicely and make great food, etc etc We discussed how the money would work for new books and how we would rotate venues and all that.

A tubby older guy was leaning in and eavesdropping in the unsubtle way that only men can manage* and eventually, clearly unable to restrain himself any longer, he came smugly out with it: "Why don't you just join a library, it's free and no effort at all". (Picture the giant lightbulb glowing above his head as he pronounced his solution).

"HALLO!!!!" read the big bold capital lettered thought bubble above our heads, "WERE YOU NOT JUST LISTENING TO OUR CONVERSATION??? DID YOU MISS THE FACT THAT BOOK CLUBS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH BOOKS*???"

"thanks" we smiled sweetly, "that's a really swell idea" (blink blink)

NOT

* Seriously, when i'm eavesdropping aint nobody gonna know about it. I can have a whole conversation while listening to the guy behind me. It's called multitasking!

** Actually they are merely a clever ruse for our strategic planning sessions in our bid for world domination

*** Glugs.. you never read the above. This is all a dream. This is all a dreeeeeeam

So apparantly I'm growing up

It's nearly TWO O CLOCK and I only juuuuuuust remembered that I have chocolate in my drawer.

NOT ANYMORE!!!