Saturday, September 05, 2009

Numb

Written on Wednesday morning...

How long does it take for a life to change completely? How long for a life to end?

QCC has it right on her blog:
I’m falling apart. I’m barely breathing.With a broken heart that’s still beating... I’m barely holding on.

2 weeks to go and I woke up this morning thinking my water was breaking. But no. It was blood. We rushed to the hospital. They tried and tried but there was no heart beat.

No heart beat. Nothing. I think that was the worst moment of my entire life. I can't begin to describe the eternity, the desperation, the dread, the dawning realisation that your world has just been ripped from under you.

My daughter is dead.

My little girl. I knew she was a little girl. Everyone else said it was a boy. No. She’s a little girl. Gone to heaven before we even met her.

It seems strange that in the wake of losing your baby you are called to make so many decisions. Blood rushing in your ears. A weird calm. A strange peace even. And you must decide – labour or caesar. Autopsy or not. Burial or cremation. Morphine or epidural.

They don’t seem to really know what happened. They are assuming that it is a rupture or something like that. The placenta randomly tears away for some reason. I guess they’ll know more later. They’re telling me there was no way of predicting or knowing. Just a fluke thing that happens out the blue. Naturally I am asking myself if that’s true or if my paranoid feelings the last few days should rather have brought me to a doctor. But then, every pregnant woman is paranoid more or less throughout.

I am now lying in bed waiting for the induction to set in. I am going for natural with all the pain meds they are willing to pump me with. I don’t want to deal with the trauma of surgery on top of everything else tho no doubt labour without an end prize will be hell.

It’s amazing how news spreads. We have been inundated with sms’s. Right now I wouldn’t be surprised if there are over 100 people praying for us. And I can feel it. I really can. I am calm. I am just so sad.

I wonder what God’s purpose is in this. He has a purpose, always. The Band was saying how many special memories we have of this little girl already. Would I take back the whole pregnancy if i could? I honestly don’t know.

We are naming her Sophia Grace. Not the original name we had planned. It didn’t seem fitting. Grace seems right. She is with my gran now. My gran’s dad died 2 weeks before she was born – a sadness she carried with her all her life. My daughter died 2 weeks before she was due to be born. A sadness we will have to carry.

The Band and the staff here are incredible. I can see their hearts are breaking with us. My folks are on their way from East London and I don’t know what I will say to them. Weird as it sounds, i just feel so so bad for them. They have all been so excited. This has been a worry free textbook pregnancy so the shock is substantial.

Hold us in your prayers guys.

23 comments:

Joanne said...

Oh, Caz I am so sorry to hear this, my heart is breaking for you, I just dont know what to say, we are all thinking of you and of course praying. xxx

quartercenturycrisis said...

Caz I am so incredibly sorry for you and the Band. I don't know what to say other than I'm thinking of you. Be strong.

phillygirl said...

Such a heart-wrenching post to read. It must have been even worse to type it up. My thoughts are with you and the Band. I can't imagine how devastating this is for you both :( :( I'm so so sorry!

S. said...

this is heartbreaking! I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you and your family are suffering. life is so not fair sometimes. you baby is in heaven. prayers are with you all. *hugs*

Lil' Woman said...

I am soo incrediably sorry for your loss...i found you through S.'s blog and I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Simply-Mel said...

Oh man, I have no words. ((( ))) Am so sorry Caz. Strength and peace to you.

po said...

Caz I am so so sorry, there is nothing I can say except I am thinking of you.

Kristen said...

Just found out about you and your little girl from another blog. I am praying for you. I know that God has a purpose through all of this and I pray that whether you find it or not you are content in knowing that He is. Your baby girl is already in a much better place.

April said...

Hi there, I found you through S. over at a.little.bit.delirious. I am so sorry that you lost your baby girl, and that you are now having to deal with all the physical and emotional aftermath. I can't even imagine your pain, but please know that you are being prayed for! Find comfort in knowing that Sophia Grace is with the Lord and that He has another plan for you all. Blessings in this tough time.

Mrs. Holly Hall said...

Oh my goodness Caz. This is such a shock. I feel for you, my heart breaks with you. So sad, so sad that you daughter has died. That doesn't even begin to cover how I feel for you.

You are all in our prayers,

The Family Hall

Sunshinemeg said...

There are no words I can write to you in your time of sorrow. I stumbled upon your blog through someone's mention of you and I just want to send you my condolences. My heart is breaking for you. Don't take things one day at a time, take things one step at a time - one breath at a time.

Ruby said...

Ohmigosh! I cried throughout this whole post. My heart is truly breaking for you and the band. I am praying for you. Praying for comfort and love and whatever it is you might need in this time.

so many hugs to you guys!!! *hugs*

The Divine Miss M said...

There is nothing that I can say to comfort your loss but I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and the band.

Mlysbrenna said...

Prayers and peace be with you and your partner. I am so sorry for your loss.

lizette said...

Sory for your loss. Though words cannot heal your pain, know that all of us will pray for you.

Ches said...

Ah Caz, I'm so so sorry for you guys!

Thinking of you.

Being Brazen said...

I only read this now...

Im completely shocked and sad.

All I can say is that I know everything happens for a reason. Its hard to see why sometimes though :(

My thoughts are with you and your man.

*big hugs*

Being Brazen said...

Ps- praying for you guys

Being Brazen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tamara said...

Caz! I'm so sorry to hear about Sophia Grace. My thoughts and prayers are with you and the Band and I'm praying God's peace, comfort and wisdom over you both.

Gill said...

Oh Caz, I am so, so sorry..... My heart is aching for you. Will keep you and your family in my prayers. {{hugs}}

Shaina said...

Caz, I found your blog through S. and am just heartbroken reading this. I cannot stop the tears, and I don't know what to say that will be right. I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and your family right now.

Yaya said...

I just can't imagine going through this. How horrible. I apologize, I should have done more reading on your blog before I commented. The email I got made it sound like you had a miscarriage. I just cannot imagine going through this. My heart is breaking.

I read two blogs whose baby's left them too soon:
Ter at www.withanangelonmyshoulder.blogspot.com

and

Emalee at
http://ekrausch.blogspot.com/

(((HUGS)))