Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Karma kills me

so it seems that karma is no myth...even though your actions sometimes take more than a decade to come back and bite you. Ok, to be technically correct, the bite is still pending... but its probably inevitable.

I digress. Let me explain.

When I was about 8 years old, the movie Arachnophobia came out. Remember it? Low grade horror about an infestation of killer spiders in American suburbia? Well I watched it with my friend - probably illegally coz it must have had a mean age restriction in those days. Smartass that I tend to be, I sat next to her and subtly tickled her in the tensest moments of the movie - obviously every time she would completely FREAK OUT thinking it was a killer spider.

Stupid Stupid me.

Revenge is hell.

So jump forward 18 years. It's 2008 and I'm a grown up. Living in our quaint little home. Life is good. EXCEPT for the spiders.

Now I need to clarify here... I am not arachnophobic. At some point we had an infestation of brown widows - the only slightly less venomous cousin of the black widow - living in our kitchen and it didn't freak me out at all (especially after I doom fogged the living daylights out of them), jumping spiders? Annoying but otherwise no problem. It's the RAIN spiders that kill me. I mean seriously. Rain has all these soothing, life giving, gentle, clean, slow, healthy, peaceful connotations. RAIN SPIDERS on the other hand are scuttling, vicious, brown, hairy, vile, evil, sadistic, overgrown arachnids that resemble rodents. The fact that they appear with the rain is HARDLY their most prominent attribute and I propose that they should be more appropriately named!!!

Anyway, where was I? So a while ago, I am in my room, changing. So I am standing in the nick when I get the feeling someone is watching me. Many many eyes in fact. I look down and not far off is a spider the approximate size of my neighbours cat. HE IS STARING AT ME in the way that only a creature with compound eyes can. and I am naked. VIOLATED!!!! No, ladies, this is not a nightmare, it's absolutely true. HEEEEBEEEJEEEEBEEEES!!!! Naturally I leapt on the bed and phoned the band who was in the next room, to come and rescue me. But the emotional damage had been done.

After that I became a little more careful in the evenings, performing spider checks before bed. I check my bed, under the blankets, under the pillows and behind the door. So you'd think i was covered right? Right? WRONG. A few weeks ago I let down the blind and obviously heraldo the many legged wonder was kipping there. He LEAPT down, just inches from me... I think I even heard him scream at me. Little bastard.
I flew out the room and all was well for a while.... until last night.

Now I need to just tell you that this is TRAUMATIC at its worst. It would have sounded arb without all the above details, but considering the years of spider induced torment that I have endured, I trust you will be able to understand my hysteria following last night's incident.

This is what happened:
I went to my room to perform my nightly ritual spider check. I checked all the usual spots. Let down the blinds carefully keeping a safe distance when I saw her. *SHUDDER*

We have bedside tables and just under the one on the bands side I saw a shadow. I looked a little closer (all the while the dread was growing) and my worst fear was realised. It was a mother spider (Even as a i write this i'm itching like mad) and she was sitting on a massive ping pong sized hatch of furry spider eggs. SIFF MAN PEOPLE!!! She was RIGHT THERE. Like if he was in bed facing that way she could have stretched out her siff twiggy leg and stroked him. RIGHT THERE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!

OH THE ITCHINESS!!! So the band being the band went to collect a jar and as he was scooping her and her (*mini vomit*)offspring in he told her "I'm not happy about this. Not happy about this at all!" Then he went and let her free about 100m from our house.

I tried people. I tried to explain to him that because he never kills the bloody things they have begun to view our BEDROOM as a refuge. But no, he let her... nay, THEM free.

At this stage I had become a little hysterical. I grabbed our pillows and went to do a spider check in our spare room. The coast was clear (I made the band double check the scary bits like under the bed). After that I pretty much lay in bed freaking out. The band did his absolute best not to laugh at my tears of terror, but I heard a few snorts breaking through.

And that will teach me to scare my friend during a horror flick when I was 8 years old.

9 comments:

Glugster said...

Hahaha. This is hillarious! Sorry.

Talking about Arachnaphobia, I remember watching it as a child too. It was during an especially tense scene that the dog decided to press his snout against my uncovered arm. I must have jumped 10 feet! LOL. Did not watch that movie again for ages!

Hmmm. I wonder if Karma got the dog too?

Caz said...

haha... probably in the form of other crawlies like fleas and *shudder* ticks!!

Ya, I'm still pretty freaked out. The band and I have slept in the spare room the past 2 nights coz I'm too scared of my room but my back is KILLING me now. DAM i'm gonna have to face my fears tonight :(

sweets said...

you know she's coming back right? with her new husband and 5 adopted mini spider children... she wants to tickle your nose... hehe... ok i just freaked myself out a little bit... i hate spiders too...!!!

Tamara said...

Yay! You're back. This is good. And you're just as funny as ever. My day just improved.

When I was a kid there was a massive brown spider dangling from my door and I was terrified to go past it into my room, so I called my mom. She bent down and spoke gently to te spider, saying, 'I know you don't want to hurt us and that you're just a peaceful creature going about with your life, but Tamara is scared of you, so unfortunately, I have to do this.' *Squish*. Man, I felt guilty of spider-murder for years. The spiders have the run of my place now.

Tamara said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

sweets said...

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iiii rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ttttttttt
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!

really i hope it's a great day with all the trimmings and presents and everybody spoiling you rotten, have a dop on me!!!

Tamara said...

Sweets just had to go and outdo me!

sweets said...

i thought it was expected? hehe

Glugster said...

Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Cazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! Happy birthday to you!