I went to sleep last night not feeling too happy – my back and bum and legs were achy and sore. But went to sleep and thought it would get better. At 4 frikken AM I woke up in agony. The aforementioned parts were cramping like crazy. There could be one of three reasons for this: 1) I am 26 now and aging fast, 2) I am on a bit of a detox and haven’t really had salt this week and 3) our bed is from hell.
Anyway, I got up to make myself a hot water bottle, have some salt (in the form of a big fingerful of peanut butter) and the band suggested we move to the spare room – maybe I’d have better luck there. So while the kettle was boiling I (obviously) performed a thorough spider inspection of the room and all was well. Got sorted with the hot water bottle and went back into spare room with the band.
THERE, SCUTTLING DOWN THE WALL, WAS A MASSIVE “RAIN” SPIDER. Being the fearless, hitchhiking, crocodile catching conservationist that the band knows and loves, I SCREAMED, leapt into his* arms and began sobbing. Real smooth. In my defence, somewhere amid my incoherent wracking sobs I’m sure I heard myself mumble something along the lines of “It’s not fair. It’s 4 in the morning and all I ask for is some sleep.”
And so you see, it wasn’t fear that made me cry. It was the bloody injustice and sneakiness of it all. I mean seriously. I CHECKED for spiders and the
little bugger was obviously hiding camouflaged on one of the beams. Do you know what this means?? I now have to step my spider inspections up a notch! Gonna have to use a freakin spotlight so they can’t hide in the shadows.
What really gets me is their timing. Most insects and spiders are fairly random, just going about their business, not trying to upset anyone. But the rain spiders that inhabit my living space are down right MALEVOLENT. Think about it: They always manage to catch me when I’m most vulnerable – the band is usually not around, I am usually starkers or else they are right in my comfort zone. Pure evil.
*(For those of you who are wondering, no of course he didn’t kill it, that would be optimistic. He bottled it and is releasing it at his work this morning... No comment)