Boot camp and booty calls

So I am back at bootcamp trying to ensure I'm not stuck with a tankass following the emergence of The Bambino in September. yes people, SEPTEMBER that means I am now more than 4.5 months preggers. Past halfway and so far it's a breeze. The ...er... chest is still bigger than the stomach but sure that's changing by the day.
Anyway, uncharacteristically, I digress. Yesterday I was in the process of dying at bootcamp and the instructor (aka Adolf) was taking the opportunity to assure us that despite what the admin fiends at bootcamp may say, it is perfectly fine to exercise through your pregnancy bla bla bla (I had to get special permission and sign an indemnity form and was enjoying feeling quite self righteous with my efforts until) this other woman pipes up (snottily) "I exercised ALL the way through my pregnancy and it was just fine... I did ballet!" (My mate rolls her eyes at me and I smirk, wondering why she had clearly stopped exercising since). Yes, yes, I hear all the cat meowing sounds you are making and I must admit that the hormones may be releasing a bit of ... honesty into my thoughts. But seriously she was just being a nasty little glory stealer. Just leave me alone to puff around that field and bask in the attention and praise it results in, k?
So now you're all waiting on the booty call bit which is the only reason you have bothered reading this far in the first place. Well now that I can finally track how people come upon this blog I figured I should probably type out terms like booty call as much as possible :). Just jokes. That's a bit cheap. There was in fact a great story about a booty call (oops, I did it again!) but it seems inappropriate to share it here.
And now you all hate me.

They're back

I could cry. I can't sleep. And the nightmares are back. I can't even pee at night anymore. It's just too dam terrifying. It's as if THEY KNOW.

Who are the infamous "They" to whom i refer? THEY, of course, are my nemesis. My greatest and probably only genuine phobia. THEY are RAIN SPIDERS.



Now sure this one looks deceptively cute and malevolent at the same time, but that's coz I am too dam scared to have a pic of a real one on my blog... i'd never come back here.

Loyal followers will know that rain spiders made my life miserable for many many months while I lived on the farm - to read about those terrifying ordeals click here, here and here. Since I moved to Somerset West and into civilisation I thought I was safe. No spiders in the past 8 months. In fact no bugs at all. Sure we get burgled on a nice and regular bimonthly basis, but still. No spiders was always something to be grateful for, right? UNTIL NOW.

Last night we went to chat to our good friends, The German Nudists (Ja Mein!). They have a beautiful (and safe) house and have officially decided they are moving back to KZN at the end of next month so it seems we will be moving there. I am in love with their place - it is a beautiful place with wooden floors and a real family feel and a perfect spot for a nursery next to the main room. PHEW, relief.... until....

I got home and (PREDICTABLY) was about to hop into the bath (they always choose their moments, those bastards)and grabbed my towel from my cupboard and - LET OUT A PIERCING SCREAM and did the on-the-spot tap dance I always do when I get a big fright. There he was. Watching me with his freaky compound eyes. It was in part a good confirmation that it's time to move on, but sadly also a warning that I may never be truly safe from the evils of rain spiders *SHUDDER*

raging hormones and the case of the flame thrower

I am grateful for the fact that I have gotten off ridiculously lightly thus far in terms of pregnancy. All my other knocked up mates are having episodes which put mere PMS to shame. TV ads bring on tears, husbands become enemy number 1, etc etc.
I've really had none of that. In fact I'm loving life mostly. Not because I'm blossoming with the joys of motherhood or anything as deep as that, but mainly coz my metabolism has sped up and I can eat what I want without gaining weight (HOW COOL IS THAT??)plus people are nice to me and keep doing stuff and buying stuff for me.

Anyway, my first and PLEASE LORD LET IT BE LAST emotional episode finally happened circa 3AM this morning but I guess the foundations for it have been laid over the last week or so...

To start with, I was in Durbs earlier in the week - yes, I know I travel a helluva lot and I have a massive carbon footprint but at the very least my travel is for a good cause, k?

hmmm... I may be a little defensive today.

Anyway it all started in Durbs. I managed to spend a bit of time with my GORGEOUS neice who is 4 and the cutest little girl on the planet. Oh please... you doubt me?
Doubt this:

She is very excited about the arrival of a cousin and quite fascinated by the whole thing. The low point came when we bathed together and she asked if the baby was being grown in my boobs. . . . . . ehem.
Well to be fair, I could see how she could get mixed up. My stomach is a pitiful JOKE in comparison to The Pamelas. Now the flat-chested among you may find this amusing and even complimentary, but mine were a very respectful size to begin with.

Anyway, with my changing body well and truly top of mind now, it also occured to me sometime yesterday that tomorrow (Saturday) I will in fact go from being somewhere in my mid-20s to being in my mid- to late-20s. I TURN 27 TOMORROW. This depressing fact lurked within my self conscious.. er i mean sub conscious.

Last night the sweet infant growing within morphed into some sort of FLAME THROWER and for the first time I experienced the agony of "heart burn". HA! Heart burn sounds like a benign little crush. This was like the Fires of Hell dancing in my throat.

The final straw was The Dream. I dreamt the band was at an arcade??? and when he emerged we were chatting when some chickie who he had been "playing" with came out to say goodbye to him. Well the skanky hussy was little and tomboyishly sexy. Wench. And as she departed The Band gazed on wistfully and murmured "I wish she lived a bit closer... she's so interesting".

Well I woke up (ok, I woke up AGAIN - there's A LOT of waking up to pee in my life at present!) and I was feeling OLD, MISHAPEN and THREATENED by the sexy chick with the boyish figure who was so bluddy interesting to The Dream Version of The Band.

I went to make Hairy Boon (the Baboon shaped hot water bottle which I have stolen from Harry) and some milo and got back into bed and then they started....
Hot, Self-pity filled tears streamed down my cheeks. "She's so interesting!?" Bluddy hell. I AM INTERESTING THANK YOU VERY MUCH! And I wouldnt be peeing all the time, and be changing shape if you hadn't knocked me up in the first place!!!
INTERESTING!!

At some point The Real Non-Dream (and No Longer Dreaming) Band woke up and realised I couldn't sleep so he played with my hair a bit and eventually offered to put on an episode of The Big Bang Theory for me. Ah. So at 3 this morning we watched a big bang theory and then I fell fast asleep and had sweet dreams and woke up feeling my usual wonderful self and being all excited for my birthday tomorrow and that, lads, is why you are lucky to be MALE!

voting moral dilemma

well it seems that everyone is blogging about their voting experience on wednesday. The most eventful part of my voting was the queue and the moral dilemma which resulted.

You see, standing in the queue The Band handing me a Steri Stumpi (chocolate milk drink) - my pregnant indulgence. I was pretty bored by that stage and shoved my as yet unsullied thumb nail through the foil with gusto and SPLOOSH! chocolate milk splattered all over the lady in front of me's top. BUGGER.
She didn't notice, but the chick behind us did.

What to do? What to do? Should I ease my conscience by telling her but then have to stand behind a super grumpy woman for the next hour, or should I just pretend it never happened?

Well you can all guess which choice I went with. I am pregnant and can not be held accountable for my actions and besides, what she doesn't know won't hurt her right?

Perhaps as some form of divine vengeance, the nail ink person did a bloody shoddy job on my nail and in the last two days i actually think it is getting darker and bigger. At least steri stumpi washes out!

Scared of snakes?

...well actually you have every reason to be!
(oh, I'm sorry - you were hoping for some reassuring statistics about how you're more likely to die from having a coconut land on your head? Sure.. If you live in the middle of a coconut palm forest in central mozambique, but if it's SA you live in... well let's allow my photos to tell the story, shall we?)
When I went up to Ngala (borders Kruger National Park) in Feb this was one of the insane sightings... a bluddy 3m python hugging an impala to infinity and beyond.
I guess now's about the time to put in the little disclaimer of *NOT FOR SENSITIVE VIEWERS*





In this one you can see the python's head as it goes over the rump of the impala. The head must have been at least 15cm long. FREAKY BLUDDY DEEKY!

BTW thanks to Ches for inspiring this post :)

Men losing their minds

So there's no denying that the gestating female loses her mind just a bit. There are plenty of stories of women having car accidents only when they're preggers and in general forgetting their name. So far from my fecund self, I have gotten my (ANCIENT) pin code wrong enough times to warrant having my bank card swallowed and needing to replace it. The more horrific evidence of the porridge that is my brain was that a cousin smsd me on a monday to tell me there was A PARCEL for me at the post box and I only remembered the following Sunday. I have never, in my life, ever, forgotten about A Parcel At The Post Office For Me. I mean that's practically the most exciting thing ever, no? But I clean forgot all about it.

Anyway, has anyone heard of this happening to the father of the Unborn One? Coz the Band has definitely lost it. He has lost the keys 4 times in since yesterday. As I write this he is trying to break into his own car (no spare - yes, yes) because therein lies his laptop and I don't need to tell you how prone to the bluddy impacts of crime the two of us are!! So I think he's got pregnancy brain himself. What else could it be. Speaking of these matters click here to find out what very exciting thing happened today!

10 things I learnt this weekend

So lacking all originality, I have decided to plagiarise Being Brazen's post idea(thanks lady)
So here they are:

1. I learnt that if you tell Discovery you're knocked up you get all kinds of free stuff (score!)
2. I learnt that there is no limit to how much time I can spend sleeping in and napping. Getting into actual clothes is entirely optional.
3. I learnt that if you show a bit of interest at the Clinique counter they give you freebies.
4. I learnt that if you tell the Clinique lady that you currently use Woolies face products she will laugh at you. (imagine how much more she would have laughed if I told the truth: Water and a face cloth followed by a bit of cheapo moisturiser)
5. I learnt that I too enjoy The Big Bang Theory, but that Sheldon makes me frustrated to the point of actual anger
6. I learnt that my days of sleeping on my stomach are numbered... in the negatives.
7. I learnt that Mark Boucher lives in a really nice place in Constantia and that next time I should take my costume.
8. I learnt that easter eggs for breakfast works out just fine.
9. I learnt that when I'm hoping for leftovers for lunch the next day I should not invite my friends over for dinner.
10. I learnt that I have lost my tolerance for heat and summer must frikken duck now!

Phobias

So last night I hosted a murder mystery dinner for my friend Harry. Harry is an interesting character... he has a GENUINE fear of Asians. Now despite the fact that its utterly un-PC, and probably because of the fact that I live in a country which is still rather scarred by xenophobia, I find this HYSTERICAL.

Don't judge me.
Think about it.

The Cape (where I live) has very few Asians. There is certainly still plenty of racism around in SA... let's not even START talking about our snaky future president saying English-speaking whites in SA are not real South Africans(!!!!) And there is a lot of fear of other local cultures that still lingers among many South Africans.The scars of Apartheid run deep on both 'sides'. And while I don't think it's right to judge someone on their colour I do understand that if you have been victimised by someone of a certain colour or gender your unconcious response may be a generalised a fear of all people within that race or gender.

But in Harry's case there is no such experience. It's just so bluddy incongruous. All i can think of is that perhaps he watched some terrifying movie featuring an asian villain as a child. Either way the phobia is real. So us, being the supportive, understanding friends that we are, decided on a chinese theme murder mystery dinner. Everyone had to dress their parts and speak with accents. It was GREAT. HILARIOUS. The chinese accents soon started sounding more like rough chain-smoking elderly french women.

Do you have any phobias? I promise to try not to mock them.

Water

Water is a pain in the ass. Seriously all this guilt that people and media constantly put on you to "ensure you drink at least 8 glasses of water a day". Come on. In 26 years I've probably achieved that less than 50 times (sports events excluded). Now that I'm knocked up it's worse:
"Are you SURE you're drinking enough water?" um... well.... I'm not thirsty?
One friend threatened that junior was probably dessicating in my womb due to lack of water consumption. Bollocks.
I went for a scan this week and that kid is merrily aquaarobicsing it up and growing like mad.

confessions of a former UB

so thanks to this post a disturbing and once deeply suppressed memory has resurfaced.

Promise you won't beat me up or pull my bra strap?

The memory is this:
I used to sleep in a headbrace as a teen. Yup. Ala Ugly Betty herself.

In some freakish way now that at least 10 years have passed I feel quite proud of the fact. Like I'm a survivor or something.

A similar emotion was evoked (invoked?) when I was cruising through delhi week before last all on my own being swindled by auto-rickshaw drivers and being petted by beggars. an odd sort of high, but a high nevertheless, tho it probably had more to do with the fact that in India I was actually semi-wealthy. Yup - somewhere that our currency is actually worth a bit! Unfortunately everyone who sees you (all billion and something of the population) seem to be well aware of this..

on a happy note 6 years ago today The Band and I finally got together (after the obligatory prolonged period of fighting like cat and dog, flirting insanely and fighting some more).

We were on a 5 day hiking trail along the Wild Coast. It was the middle of the night. He didn't say a word. Just came over and woke me and kissed me.
HOT people. Very hot!

Earth Hour be%^&

:)
Hi guys and girls. ok I know that I always have excuses for being such a inconsistent blogger but come on. I am in charge for media at WWF - if you didn't read, see or hear about Earth Hour in the last month then you can be upset with me, but if you did, THAT's why i haven't been around. It was a monstrous bloody effort and I feel like I've been run over by a truck. Altho EH wasn't about saving electricity, I am pleased to say that Eskom reckons there was a 15% saving for that hour - the equivalent of 4.7 million lights being turned off and 400 000 Megatonnes of CO2 saved. Not shabby at all. That being said.. if i never hear the words "earth hour" again it will be too soon. ON A VERY HAPPY NOTE... guess what?? I WON THE COMPETITION!!! WOOHOOO. With 950 sign ups I killed it - second place was 350. YAY!!! and thanks to those of you who took the time to sign up. you rock and I will think of you in gratitude during my week at the Beacon Isle!! (valued at R14K! nice!) Last week, aside from Earth Hour and all the chaos that involved at work, we were burgled again. Bastards (and this time they left a hell of a mess) and my cousin died of an overdose! didn't even know he had a drug problem. So relieved my gran didn't live to know about it. It would have broken her heart. So anyway, a hectic week in every way and I'm glad it's over.

Delhi to Agra

yes people (not slyde) you are correct. India is where I indeed am. Been in a conference all week but tomorrow (after a good day's shopping) we take a taxi to Agra and spend the night. Saturday morning with a bit of luck we'll be viewing the Taj Mahal at sunrise. I'll let you know how it goes :)

Guess where I am?

I'll give you a clue.
The food is spicey. Everyone only drinks bottled water and we're 3.5 hours ahead of SA. The person who guesses right gets to name my child. haha RIGHT!

Anyone? Guesses??

Check out the pic

Hey guys.... click here to see the scan pic. ah cute.

So... I have an AWKWARD thing going on in 15 mins... That person who was making my life miserable who is not my spouse? I have a meeting about that situation with another person. EEP. Not going to be pleasant!!

P.S.

Seeing as i am now "out the closet" (no people, I am not gay!!!!) go check out mabakerscountdown.blogspot.com abnd find out why I won't need breast enlargement surgery any time soon.

My Wife is an Ax Murderer

Ok you guys are going to have to read between the lines here. Clearly I don't have a wife and clearly the Band is close on perfect. But there is SOMEONE in my life who is definitely 2 cookies short of a picnic. The lift doesn't go all the way to the top floor if you know what i mean and it is making life frikken miserable for me.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!

Saving the planet :)

ok, sure I've been scarce but it's all for a good cause. At the moment we are crazily working on promoting EARTH HOUR! (what is Earth Hour, you ask with wide-eyed intrigue).

Earth Hour
We (WWF) are basically calling on a billion people worldwide to turn off their lights for an hour at 20:30 on 28 March. This unified, symbolic act is aimed at the world leaders who, at the end of this year, meet to decide on a new global climate deal. Needless to say, what they decide is really make or break for the planet. In addition to asking people to turn off their lights, we are also importantly asking them to sign up and pledge to do so. The reason for that is so that we can actually quantify the number of people participating and so make a strong case for action on climate change.

So... dear loyal reader... how do you participate?
Well you sign up through the widget on my blog for one.
Now here's the added thing... we are running a competition internally here at work and the staff member who signs on the most people gets a week's holiday at a hotel in plett with her Band... PEOPLE I NEEEEEEEEEEEEED THIS!!

Can you get people to come to my blog and sign up through my widget? The widget tracks who signs up through me.please please please??? I am clearly not above begging!! :)

OR EVEN BETTER:
please load this widget onto your blogs and encourage all your blogbuddies to do the same. The widget is coded and I will get kudos for the entries. YIPPEEEEEEE

<***iframe scrolling="no" width="162" frameborder="0" src="http://www.earthhour.org.za/widgets/widget160x330.php?refer=40d416b1acc47b16fe13238caf0eb8bd&wid=72" marginheight="0" height="332" marginwidth="0"***>

NB: Just remember to delete the 3 stars at the start and end of the code else it won't work :) They are just there so you can view the code as text :)

THANKS GUYS!!!!!

Happy Anniversary

to me and my Band :)
3 years today and it's been FANTASTIC!

So tonight we'll do dinner or something, but tomorrow we fly to JHB and friday morning we leave for 3 nights in the Sabi Sands. If you like going green then click here and prepare to want to hit me :) Its going to be pretty dam amazing. And no, in case you are wondering, we can't afford R4900 per person per night, but we know a guy... and so we stay there for PEANUTS!!

I am certainly not above 3 nights in 6 star luxury in the bush. BRING IT ON!!

Just B Positive

Is it weird that I've never known my blood type? Well it's B Positive and I am oddly stoked about it.

flu sucks

seriously. who has flu in the heat of frikken summer!?