Friday, April 24, 2009

raging hormones and the case of the flame thrower

I am grateful for the fact that I have gotten off ridiculously lightly thus far in terms of pregnancy. All my other knocked up mates are having episodes which put mere PMS to shame. TV ads bring on tears, husbands become enemy number 1, etc etc.
I've really had none of that. In fact I'm loving life mostly. Not because I'm blossoming with the joys of motherhood or anything as deep as that, but mainly coz my metabolism has sped up and I can eat what I want without gaining weight (HOW COOL IS THAT??)plus people are nice to me and keep doing stuff and buying stuff for me.

Anyway, my first and PLEASE LORD LET IT BE LAST emotional episode finally happened circa 3AM this morning but I guess the foundations for it have been laid over the last week or so...

To start with, I was in Durbs earlier in the week - yes, I know I travel a helluva lot and I have a massive carbon footprint but at the very least my travel is for a good cause, k?

hmmm... I may be a little defensive today.

Anyway it all started in Durbs. I managed to spend a bit of time with my GORGEOUS neice who is 4 and the cutest little girl on the planet. Oh please... you doubt me?
Doubt this:

She is very excited about the arrival of a cousin and quite fascinated by the whole thing. The low point came when we bathed together and she asked if the baby was being grown in my boobs. . . . . . ehem.
Well to be fair, I could see how she could get mixed up. My stomach is a pitiful JOKE in comparison to The Pamelas. Now the flat-chested among you may find this amusing and even complimentary, but mine were a very respectful size to begin with.

Anyway, with my changing body well and truly top of mind now, it also occured to me sometime yesterday that tomorrow (Saturday) I will in fact go from being somewhere in my mid-20s to being in my mid- to late-20s. I TURN 27 TOMORROW. This depressing fact lurked within my self conscious.. er i mean sub conscious.

Last night the sweet infant growing within morphed into some sort of FLAME THROWER and for the first time I experienced the agony of "heart burn". HA! Heart burn sounds like a benign little crush. This was like the Fires of Hell dancing in my throat.

The final straw was The Dream. I dreamt the band was at an arcade??? and when he emerged we were chatting when some chickie who he had been "playing" with came out to say goodbye to him. Well the skanky hussy was little and tomboyishly sexy. Wench. And as she departed The Band gazed on wistfully and murmured "I wish she lived a bit closer... she's so interesting".

Well I woke up (ok, I woke up AGAIN - there's A LOT of waking up to pee in my life at present!) and I was feeling OLD, MISHAPEN and THREATENED by the sexy chick with the boyish figure who was so bluddy interesting to The Dream Version of The Band.

I went to make Hairy Boon (the Baboon shaped hot water bottle which I have stolen from Harry) and some milo and got back into bed and then they started....
Hot, Self-pity filled tears streamed down my cheeks. "She's so interesting!?" Bluddy hell. I AM INTERESTING THANK YOU VERY MUCH! And I wouldnt be peeing all the time, and be changing shape if you hadn't knocked me up in the first place!!!

At some point The Real Non-Dream (and No Longer Dreaming) Band woke up and realised I couldn't sleep so he played with my hair a bit and eventually offered to put on an episode of The Big Bang Theory for me. Ah. So at 3 this morning we watched a big bang theory and then I fell fast asleep and had sweet dreams and woke up feeling my usual wonderful self and being all excited for my birthday tomorrow and that, lads, is why you are lucky to be MALE!

voting moral dilemma

well it seems that everyone is blogging about their voting experience on wednesday. The most eventful part of my voting was the queue and the moral dilemma which resulted.

You see, standing in the queue The Band handing me a Steri Stumpi (chocolate milk drink) - my pregnant indulgence. I was pretty bored by that stage and shoved my as yet unsullied thumb nail through the foil with gusto and SPLOOSH! chocolate milk splattered all over the lady in front of me's top. BUGGER.
She didn't notice, but the chick behind us did.

What to do? What to do? Should I ease my conscience by telling her but then have to stand behind a super grumpy woman for the next hour, or should I just pretend it never happened?

Well you can all guess which choice I went with. I am pregnant and can not be held accountable for my actions and besides, what she doesn't know won't hurt her right?

Perhaps as some form of divine vengeance, the nail ink person did a bloody shoddy job on my nail and in the last two days i actually think it is getting darker and bigger. At least steri stumpi washes out!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Scared of snakes?

...well actually you have every reason to be!
(oh, I'm sorry - you were hoping for some reassuring statistics about how you're more likely to die from having a coconut land on your head? Sure.. If you live in the middle of a coconut palm forest in central mozambique, but if it's SA you live in... well let's allow my photos to tell the story, shall we?)
When I went up to Ngala (borders Kruger National Park) in Feb this was one of the insane sightings... a bluddy 3m python hugging an impala to infinity and beyond.
I guess now's about the time to put in the little disclaimer of *NOT FOR SENSITIVE VIEWERS*

In this one you can see the python's head as it goes over the rump of the impala. The head must have been at least 15cm long. FREAKY BLUDDY DEEKY!

BTW thanks to Ches for inspiring this post :)

Men losing their minds

So there's no denying that the gestating female loses her mind just a bit. There are plenty of stories of women having car accidents only when they're preggers and in general forgetting their name. So far from my fecund self, I have gotten my (ANCIENT) pin code wrong enough times to warrant having my bank card swallowed and needing to replace it. The more horrific evidence of the porridge that is my brain was that a cousin smsd me on a monday to tell me there was A PARCEL for me at the post box and I only remembered the following Sunday. I have never, in my life, ever, forgotten about A Parcel At The Post Office For Me. I mean that's practically the most exciting thing ever, no? But I clean forgot all about it.

Anyway, has anyone heard of this happening to the father of the Unborn One? Coz the Band has definitely lost it. He has lost the keys 4 times in since yesterday. As I write this he is trying to break into his own car (no spare - yes, yes) because therein lies his laptop and I don't need to tell you how prone to the bluddy impacts of crime the two of us are!! So I think he's got pregnancy brain himself. What else could it be. Speaking of these matters click here to find out what very exciting thing happened today!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

10 things I learnt this weekend

So lacking all originality, I have decided to plagiarise Being Brazen's post idea(thanks lady)
So here they are:

1. I learnt that if you tell Discovery you're knocked up you get all kinds of free stuff (score!)
2. I learnt that there is no limit to how much time I can spend sleeping in and napping. Getting into actual clothes is entirely optional.
3. I learnt that if you show a bit of interest at the Clinique counter they give you freebies.
4. I learnt that if you tell the Clinique lady that you currently use Woolies face products she will laugh at you. (imagine how much more she would have laughed if I told the truth: Water and a face cloth followed by a bit of cheapo moisturiser)
5. I learnt that I too enjoy The Big Bang Theory, but that Sheldon makes me frustrated to the point of actual anger
6. I learnt that my days of sleeping on my stomach are numbered... in the negatives.
7. I learnt that Mark Boucher lives in a really nice place in Constantia and that next time I should take my costume.
8. I learnt that easter eggs for breakfast works out just fine.
9. I learnt that when I'm hoping for leftovers for lunch the next day I should not invite my friends over for dinner.
10. I learnt that I have lost my tolerance for heat and summer must frikken duck now!

Thursday, April 09, 2009


So last night I hosted a murder mystery dinner for my friend Harry. Harry is an interesting character... he has a GENUINE fear of Asians. Now despite the fact that its utterly un-PC, and probably because of the fact that I live in a country which is still rather scarred by xenophobia, I find this HYSTERICAL.

Don't judge me.
Think about it.

The Cape (where I live) has very few Asians. There is certainly still plenty of racism around in SA... let's not even START talking about our snaky future president saying English-speaking whites in SA are not real South Africans(!!!!) And there is a lot of fear of other local cultures that still lingers among many South Africans.The scars of Apartheid run deep on both 'sides'. And while I don't think it's right to judge someone on their colour I do understand that if you have been victimised by someone of a certain colour or gender your unconcious response may be a generalised a fear of all people within that race or gender.

But in Harry's case there is no such experience. It's just so bluddy incongruous. All i can think of is that perhaps he watched some terrifying movie featuring an asian villain as a child. Either way the phobia is real. So us, being the supportive, understanding friends that we are, decided on a chinese theme murder mystery dinner. Everyone had to dress their parts and speak with accents. It was GREAT. HILARIOUS. The chinese accents soon started sounding more like rough chain-smoking elderly french women.

Do you have any phobias? I promise to try not to mock them.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009


Water is a pain in the ass. Seriously all this guilt that people and media constantly put on you to "ensure you drink at least 8 glasses of water a day". Come on. In 26 years I've probably achieved that less than 50 times (sports events excluded). Now that I'm knocked up it's worse:
"Are you SURE you're drinking enough water?" um... well.... I'm not thirsty?
One friend threatened that junior was probably dessicating in my womb due to lack of water consumption. Bollocks.
I went for a scan this week and that kid is merrily aquaarobicsing it up and growing like mad.