Wednesday, April 30, 2008

The Haunting (written yesterday evening)

She’s back. Or maybe it’s the father. I think so… pervy daddy long legs. *SHUDDER*

So anyway. I ate supper etc etc, came into my room for the nightly spider inspection and the coast was all clear. I bravely let down the blinds and checked under the pillows. All good. Phew.

The band had gone up the road to watch the footie, so it was just me.

I had a long bubble bath planned and the water was running while I brushed my teeth. Then I noticed a freakish, annoying reddish slow moving fly thing lolling about where my head would soon be resting. I wasn’t happy. Ingeniously I used a candle to relocate it (I know!!). But instead of flying out the window as planned…. It flew up, up, up to the corner of the ceiling (the house is thatch so it has weird shaped corners and high roof with no ceiling actually. I digress (it’s what I do). Anyway, I was watching the creepy fly and BAM!!!! There he was. (*SHUDDER!!!!!!*) The grossly oversized ARACHNID (*cue creepy organ music*)

I yelled out an obscenity. There goes the idea of a bath (probably ever again). Ain’t no way this thing is ogling upon my nakedness AGAIN with his freaky compound eyes. Eeeeeeeeeeeugh. And I swear, even the angle that he stood at was perfectly positioned for the view. Heebees!! It was like he was waiting for me.

You will be proud to know, valued readers, that in that moment I thought of you. Yup and it gave me strength (not enough strength to strip naked in front of the gigantosaurus one, but still) I didn’t even cry this time!! I cursed him for only showing himself when the band was away. I cursed him for robbing me of my bathtime. Then I thanked him for at least rather being in the bathroom than my bedroom. (Hey, you gotta look on the bright side).

I tried to take a photo for you, but he is cunningly placed in the shadow. How convenient!! But I did try to measure his size – albeit from a safe distance – and his diameter is less than the length of a tube of toothpaste, but more than the length of a razor. So I guess he’s about 20cm. THAT IS HUGE!!! And his legs aren’t even completely outstretched!!!

So I’m typing this in my spider-free room telling myself that hygiene is overrated and that I can last til I get to work before I wee. Seriously… don’t see myself re-entering that bathroom til the evil one has left the building!! He’s waiting to pounce. (one last *SHUDDER* for good measure)

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Some inspirational posters just for you guys

Let me know which one's your favourite....

haha they really are!!

LOVE IT! this is definitely my best one. hahaha

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Karma kills me

so it seems that karma is no myth...even though your actions sometimes take more than a decade to come back and bite you. Ok, to be technically correct, the bite is still pending... but its probably inevitable.

I digress. Let me explain.

When I was about 8 years old, the movie Arachnophobia came out. Remember it? Low grade horror about an infestation of killer spiders in American suburbia? Well I watched it with my friend - probably illegally coz it must have had a mean age restriction in those days. Smartass that I tend to be, I sat next to her and subtly tickled her in the tensest moments of the movie - obviously every time she would completely FREAK OUT thinking it was a killer spider.

Stupid Stupid me.

Revenge is hell.

So jump forward 18 years. It's 2008 and I'm a grown up. Living in our quaint little home. Life is good. EXCEPT for the spiders.

Now I need to clarify here... I am not arachnophobic. At some point we had an infestation of brown widows - the only slightly less venomous cousin of the black widow - living in our kitchen and it didn't freak me out at all (especially after I doom fogged the living daylights out of them), jumping spiders? Annoying but otherwise no problem. It's the RAIN spiders that kill me. I mean seriously. Rain has all these soothing, life giving, gentle, clean, slow, healthy, peaceful connotations. RAIN SPIDERS on the other hand are scuttling, vicious, brown, hairy, vile, evil, sadistic, overgrown arachnids that resemble rodents. The fact that they appear with the rain is HARDLY their most prominent attribute and I propose that they should be more appropriately named!!!

Anyway, where was I? So a while ago, I am in my room, changing. So I am standing in the nick when I get the feeling someone is watching me. Many many eyes in fact. I look down and not far off is a spider the approximate size of my neighbours cat. HE IS STARING AT ME in the way that only a creature with compound eyes can. and I am naked. VIOLATED!!!! No, ladies, this is not a nightmare, it's absolutely true. HEEEEBEEEJEEEEBEEEES!!!! Naturally I leapt on the bed and phoned the band who was in the next room, to come and rescue me. But the emotional damage had been done.

After that I became a little more careful in the evenings, performing spider checks before bed. I check my bed, under the blankets, under the pillows and behind the door. So you'd think i was covered right? Right? WRONG. A few weeks ago I let down the blind and obviously heraldo the many legged wonder was kipping there. He LEAPT down, just inches from me... I think I even heard him scream at me. Little bastard.
I flew out the room and all was well for a while.... until last night.

Now I need to just tell you that this is TRAUMATIC at its worst. It would have sounded arb without all the above details, but considering the years of spider induced torment that I have endured, I trust you will be able to understand my hysteria following last night's incident.

This is what happened:
I went to my room to perform my nightly ritual spider check. I checked all the usual spots. Let down the blinds carefully keeping a safe distance when I saw her. *SHUDDER*

We have bedside tables and just under the one on the bands side I saw a shadow. I looked a little closer (all the while the dread was growing) and my worst fear was realised. It was a mother spider (Even as a i write this i'm itching like mad) and she was sitting on a massive ping pong sized hatch of furry spider eggs. SIFF MAN PEOPLE!!! She was RIGHT THERE. Like if he was in bed facing that way she could have stretched out her siff twiggy leg and stroked him. RIGHT THERE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!

OH THE ITCHINESS!!! So the band being the band went to collect a jar and as he was scooping her and her (*mini vomit*)offspring in he told her "I'm not happy about this. Not happy about this at all!" Then he went and let her free about 100m from our house.

I tried people. I tried to explain to him that because he never kills the bloody things they have begun to view our BEDROOM as a refuge. But no, he let her... nay, THEM free.

At this stage I had become a little hysterical. I grabbed our pillows and went to do a spider check in our spare room. The coast was clear (I made the band double check the scary bits like under the bed). After that I pretty much lay in bed freaking out. The band did his absolute best not to laugh at my tears of terror, but I heard a few snorts breaking through.

And that will teach me to scare my friend during a horror flick when I was 8 years old.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Crazed taxis and cheap chinese

So to even say "crazed taxis" in SA is utterly tautologic and verbose (for the super bright ones out there - anyone, anyone??? -yes, I do realise) but nevertheless, it must be said.

Capetonians who moan about taxis really have no clue. JHB taxis are a special special breed of crazy.

Cheap chinese. I'm not referring to the women in point rd (ok, fine, I know that's in durbs, sooorrrreeeeee for not knowing the local prozzie hang out in JHB), I'm referring to the meal I bought today from Kung Fu Kitchen. WHAT A BARGAIN!!

What else.. yesterday I met a tame(ISH) vulture named Percy - one of the reasons i'm in joburg was for the launch of this project through which we are working with the agricultural industry to save SA's vultures.

Anyway, the good news is that because JHB is so dry my hair is looking downright fabulous. (Yes, you can be straight and use that word!)

Friday, April 11, 2008


Monday on Friday

So today has been a crap one.
Woke up and made cereal and milky coffee.
The milk was off - it only expires on sunday, but nevertheless.

Work has been chaotic today. a bit much.

I had to have a flu injection - so much sorer than i remember injections being. feels like BOTH my arms and my spine are bruised. I may be a mild hypochondriac tho.

SOMEHOW i have agreed to go to this meeting tonight on the other side of the planet (well close), it's a planning meeting for this workshop that I have somehow been roped into giving on creative writing. I like writing and all that but I like my weekends more!!!

I have to be in JHB from Mon to Fri next week. ugh. That means dry hair, dry skin, getting hopelessly lost and eating on the run.

Anyone keen to host a little blog party while i'm there????

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

This celeb needs a PA

So I took my diary home last night (schoolgirl error) and left it there(obviously). There is not a whole lot of petrol in my car (I'm a struggling actress after all) and I am LOST without it. DAM
Forget "growing up"... it's more like getting old!! esp seeing as it is a mere 17 sleeps til my BIRTHDAY!!

Friday, April 04, 2008


So it seems I'm destined for stalkers and paparazzi. I should probably start hitting the coke and wearing no undies. Fame is such a burden.

This week I presented 3 short segments on climate change on a tv programme. I KNOW!

It airs in May and then it's Hollywood for me baby!!