Wednesday, February 03, 2010

5 months

It is cloudy and overcast today. Cooler than it's been in some time. I am glad.

My concept of time has changed since Sophia's death. I now view my life as "before her death" and "after her death". It has become a watershed. Almost like two "mes" - caz-before and caz-since. I can't believe caz-since has been around for 5 months already and I can't believe that caz-since was ever not here. When your perpectives fundamentally shift it becomes difficult to remember that they were ever another way to begin with.

The passing of time depresses me... I am further from the time I carried her. I no longer wake up shocked at her absence. Only occasionally do I sit, incredulous, startled that this could happen to us. For the most part it is now our all too familiar reality.

The passing of time is hopeful... while I am further from her physically, in this life, I am closer to her eternally. I don't think of my own death as a depressing thing anymore, nor should I. I have so much to look forward to in the next life.

I have much to look forward to in this life too. My jeans are a little tighter today - perhaps the first real "symptom" of pregnancy.

Both my girls have their own book of letters from us - filled with scan pics and love from their parents. I will write to both of them today, my baby girl in heaven and my baby girl in my belly.

8 comments:

Maddie said...

It's three months today (since her death) for me and I can't believe it either. And I also can't remember the time when I was naive about pregnancy. I had a friend around the other day and we were talking about stillbirths and I mentioned that you have a natural delivery. She asked about that (assuming that you'd have c-section) and I explained. I remember the first time I read this, I was shocked. Now it's just normal and it seems odd to me that other people don't know these things. That they don't know a good scan is no guarantee, that passing 12 weeks is no guarantee, and a whole of other things that are just 'normal' to me now.

Great work on the tight jeans.

Maddie x

Tamara said...

I love that you write to both your daughters.

livingintherainbow said...

I so get the before/after distinction. I started to refer to time as before Abigail and after Abigail.

I posted on this just after the first anniversary weekend
http://livingintherainbow.com/2009/10/23/aa1-after-abigail-1/

That said we didn't know the complication to emotions that must flow from being pregnant and grieving at the same time. Peace in the storm to you, hope in the pain for you.

Take care

Yaya said...

(((Hugs)))

B said...

it hit me again today what happened. i still can't believe it. and yet i also can't believe i didn't expect what happened.

i'm not the same person i was before either. i can't even see where the differences are. i just know nothing is the same these days.

i'm glad things are going well for you.

mad.island.girl said...

You ladies have just put words to my very emotions that I feel. Its quite amazing really....i wish i had your gift. For me the tradgedies and pain of life has been an eye opening experience not only how i see myself but how i see others.

Now when people say...."you know when this or that happened - like a shock - i was cast into another dimention within a day, its crazy how you life can be altered within a day...." And i can say "flip ....i know what you are talking about!" whereas before i would have had no clue whatsoever.

People have life altering tragedies hit them daily eg. loosing someone they love, loosing a business, a divorce, loosing a job and their whole world shifts in a day. Like the shock of the unexpected.

I never knew that before now.

I havent lost a child and I cannot imagine how horrible that must feel but i know the horror (or some of it) of having something shockingly unexpected happen.

its like you plan you life for the next few years and then wham.....it all changes in a second and then you get those people who say: " So what is your five year plan?" and I say " Dude, more like im just surviving today ok....give me a break....ok i mean its not like that so much anymore....but i learn to LIVE FOR TODAY....cos thats what i can contain and handle if you know what i mean....and to find the joy in today. Cos today might be all i have.

Im also not so afraid of death anymore...its like suffering has lost its sting for me...i was so afraid of it before....of suffering that is

i cant say i welcome it now but I do not fear it so intensely or avoid it like the plaque....ive realised it cannot kill my spirit cos that is in Christ and it lives forever....so there!!!!

Danny, Julie, Jack and Mari said...

Caz,

I'm nodding at my computer like a bobble-headed doll. We are forever changed and we're on this sad journey together...sailing toward the better that is ahead of us.

Thank you for your wonderful thoughts on our babylost-ness.

Love.
julie
http://thebrizardblog.blogspot.com/

angel said...

*lump in my throat*