Friday, October 02, 2009

A month since...

I felt joy
I felt any real optimism
I felt myself
I fell apart
I entered this abyss of grief

For some reason I am really angry that it has been a month since that most awful of moments - "I'm sorry but there is no heartbeat".

I am not sure why the month thing makes me angry but it does.

I hate waking up in the morning and feeling the dread wash through my body. Psyching myself up to get out of bed. Psyching myself up to eat breakfast. Psyching myself up to drag on some clothes and clean my teeth. I have managed to achieve all of the above pretty much every day which is good. But every single day it is a battle of my will.

I hate this place that I'm in and there is no escape and I am powerless to change it and maybe that's what makes me angry.


Ches said...

Hey Caz,

I did that design for you...but not sure where to email it to as it sends back an out-of-office...let me know if you still need it.


Being Brazen said...

I hope everyday it gets a little better and you get a little happier

Have a fabulous weekend


totally cooked said...

after my little sister died, it always amazed me how life just kept going on and I kept moving - opened my mouth and words would just come out while my head screamed the same thing. many years later I think I feel the same way. time; it passes and that's it really. can only celebrate that she was here I guess. much love.

Simply-Mel said...

Yes, I think the fact that time and life just goes by - dragging us in our silent, screaming pain - it seems utterly wrong. It would make me angry too.

Thinking of you.

Gill said...

Thinking of you Caz. {hugs}

Joanne said...

I can imagine that trying to concentrate on anything at the moment is impossible, with this experience playing like a video in your head. xoxo

Bruce said...

With the absence of joy....something has to rush into fill the void. We can only take so much apathy, until it turns to anger.

Anonymous said...

I am so so sorry. :(

Kaylen sent me your way. I am so sorry for your loss. In my left sidebar of my main blog are several links to miscarriage related posts that I have written that seem to help people.

I'd also like to send you a care package if that's ok. Would you please email me your address?