Saturday, October 03, 2009

Anniversaries

So the 2nd Sept was the day we got to the hospital and our worlds fell apart, but labour lasted two days and so Sophia Grace was only born on the 3rd. In my head I hate the 2nd. I hate Wednesdays for the same reason. But the 3rd, the 3rd is her birthday, the 3rd is the day that I held my baby girl. In a way I love the 3rd.
So today is a month since her birthday. A month since I held her. Since I inspected her, through my anaesthesia, through my shock, through my exhaustion, through my grief, I sucked it up - as I continue to do - so that I could inspect her. I touched each toe and each finger. I touched her little nose the way that an annoying great aunt would. I felt her little bum. I felt her knees. But I missed a spot... I can't remember seeing her ears and that just breaks my heart.

7 comments:

Simply-Mel said...

Happy birthday sweet Sophia Grace. Say howdi to Jesus for me ok?

Anonymous said...

:(

I've read your blog for ages, but this is my first comment, it really sucks what you have to go through, its worse than a miscarriage, it's so fucking unfair and crap and difficult, I'm sorry but me saying I'm sorry means nothing to you, but I wanted to say it anyways. Don't let this make you fearful through your next pregnancy, and don't fear getting pregnant again. I'm sure she had perfect beautiful precious little ears, dont dwell on the fact you didnt see them, just know they were perfect and be glad you got to hold her and had contact.

This crap stuff happens for a reason most of the time, who knows why, maybe you'll realise one day or maybe there was no reason, but life goes on, you will be happy - that is guaranteed. Just keep crying for now and go through what you have to, and dont feel silly if you cry in public, just do it if you feel like it, but it will stop one day and one day you'll suddenly just feel okay about it, and on another day you will have your child/ren, and all will be good :)

I hope you don't mind some stranger giving their two cents worth, I really do feel for you.

Joanne said...

Angels have cute little ears x

Sophie said...

I'm so sorry you can't remember her precious little ears. I bet they were beautiful.

So sorry for your loss of Sophia Grace.

Caz said...

thanks ladies x

Anon - thanks for commenting - do it again sometime. I think i will be TERRIFIED in subsequent pregnancies but the support of family and friends and the people of blogland will get me through. As for the public crying... you'd be amazed how many strangers suddenly ask me if I have kids... oh yes. there is much public crying!

Caz said...

thanks ladies x

Anon - thanks for commenting - do it again sometime. I think i will be TERRIFIED in subsequent pregnancies but the support of family and friends and the people of blogland will get me through. As for the public crying... you'd be amazed how many strangers suddenly ask me if I have kids... oh yes. there is much public crying!

quartercenturycrisis said...

I tend to find an anniversary of sorts in so many days and they are so hard, especially when they are significant only to yourself... But birthdays are big ones, I have to face one in a couple of weeks and I'm pretty nervous...