Sunday, October 11, 2009

Greetings from the Eastern Cape

So the good news is I am not typing this while horribly drunk, all on my own, blaring sad music, clutching Sophia's teddy bear, surrounded by photos and scrunched up tissues (and empty wine bottles).
That was my last post... but I have decided that it's best the Band doesn't leave me alone with the wine collection and my thoughts again any time soon.

This weekend I am with my parents in East London. It's been a good time but intense.

My mom and I spent the day at a spa yesterday. Never done that before. It was great.

It seems that wherever I go there are breeders. Pregnant women and people with babies everywhere I turn. Makes me want to vomit. I didn't even notice it this much when I was pregnant myself, now just about everywhere it's babies and pregnancy. Each time it's like a little fist digging into my solar plexus. Nauseating. literally.

I went to a new gynae on thursday. She seems great. We just chatted - i think she actually started crying a bit. It was a relief to have someone to ask my questions.
Basically the deal for future is this:
You are fertile again within about 2 weeks of giving birth (if you aren't breastfeeding). In terms of my phyusical health she would recommend a minimum of 3 months from Sophia's birth before we start trying to conceive again. Obviously our mindset and all that is another matter which we'd have to decide on.
The cold hard stats are that there is a 10% chance that this - placental abruption - could happen again.
There is NOTHING that they can do to prevent it happening. I could have a scan every single day and it would make no difference - there are no warning signs.
Because I think the abruption happened around 37 weeks (a few days before I started bleeding) they would induce labour for me at 36 weeks in future pregnancies.

The Band and I had a long chat about it. This probably won't make any sense to any of you (unless you have lost a baby) but the hugest part of me is desperate to be pregnant again. Funny - I felt rather sorry for myself while I was pregnant - the cankles, the heartburn, etc. Now I would give anything to go back to that time. But our hearts have been opened to a baby. Our home and our lives were reordered around the arrival of our girl and now she's gone. We still want more children. I still want a baby - one that is HERE. But suddenly trying for a child is not such an easy, carefree decision.

Before we decide that we are willing to try again we have to get our minds around the fact that it is a reality: it could happen again. I'd love to be in denial about that, but it's fact. And what if?? What if it happens again? Would I survive it? Would my relationships survive it? What would it do to me, the Band, my folks?
And yet the thought of not trying, of not having even the possibility of my own baby to hold, to bath, to feed, to clothe, to love is one of the loneliest thoughts I can fathom. We will try again in time. There is no doubt about that, but wow it will be a terrifying time.

Surely I am too young for this? I feel ancient nowadays.


Kristen said...

I think if I was in your situation I would also feel a deep desire to be pregnant again. I imagine that would be a hard decision to make to decide to try again, the fear of a repeat nightmare. We have to trust in God (or whoever watches over us) have faith in our loved ones, and still try and live life to its fullest. I hope that fear doesn't keep you from reaching for dreams. Still praying for you and your family!

po said...

Hi Caz I understand, I think, because you were ready for a child mentally. I have a friend who had the exact same thing happen to her, and a year and a half later or so she has a healthy new baby. I hope the same happens for you.

Joanne said...

We will all be here cheering you on with whatever decision you make inducing at 36 weeks will help put your mind at rest.

A spa day with your Mom sounds fab, I want to do that with my daughter one day.

Anonymous said...

Hey girl. I can't imagine the way your mind is racing with all the what ifs? I can't tell you what to do, but if there is anyway to think about those what ifs less - do it. I know you can not stop all together, but they can consume you. I myself and a what if girl. It is hard to do that.

I just want to tell you that I think you are so very brave and that you have the heart of a solider. Keep fighting my friend, keep fighting.


Anonymous said...

Hmmmm.... What if it happens again? I'm not sure... But what if it DOESN'T happen again? Personally, I don't think I'd want to miss an opportunity of any kind just in case something terrible might happen...

And sometimes a drunken evening is very therapeutic!!

Caz said...

Thanks ladies. You are all right of course... it's going to come down to courage and faith and support and the potential reward outweighing the risk involved.

After all - I still wouldn't take back this pregnancy and my time with Sophia, brief tho it was.

Mel said...

Hi, its me, visiting your blog for the 1st time. Mmmh, you even get to say Fuck on your blog, lucky you. Thanks again for organizing the camera, we will work out how we are going to do this and what is the best way. Hope your 1st day at work won't be too horrid and you won't get too many classics:
I am proud of you.
You will have more children.
Its His will.
Lucky you have that cat.
Each day gets better.
I know how you feel because Hammy chocked on a nut this weekend and died.
Seriously though, do what you need to when you need to and take each day at one day at time.

Caz said...

haha but i only ever said it once AND it was a direct quote... that's got to count for something :)

k@lakly said...

I had to close my eyes and just jump in. I couldn't do the numbers or the statistics. I just wanted to have that baby and that was the most powerful thing, it beat out evrything else that told me not to do it, even my husband. I know there are no certainties, no promises, but if your docs are watching you and the next baby, then you make the odds much better. Even a pg with no 'history' has the bad stats. People just ignore them....
No matter what, it will be scary, so flippin scary, believe me. But you CAN do it. Absolutely.

Caz said...

thanks k@lakly.

really need the stories of hope after baby loss!!