Saturday, August 28, 2010

A painful night one year on

Throughout last night I kept waking in pain. My stomach felt like I'd been punched. It felt bruised and really sore. No other symptoms, just that. This morning, when it was more or less at its worst, I realised that a year ago today, on 28 August, it was the beginning of the end.

My last day of work before starting my maternity leave. It was obviously quite a busy day, but I remember a meeting with our PR agency. I was hauling them over the coals about non-delivery and trying to be very firm, but all the while wanting to smile because Sophia was kicking and dancing like crazy and you could see it from the outside. In retrospect I wonder now if she wasn't perhaps already in distress.

I left work a little early and fetched The Band for my doctor's appointment. The doc had tried to cancel, but I'd insisted on keeping the appointment because we were due to leave the next day for a week in Plett. He was rushed and running late. He measured my circumference, felt my belly, and was done. I wonder now, if he may have picked something up with a scan. They say he probably wouldn't have, but who knows? Spots on the placenta, raised fetal heartbeat. Those things would have shown.

Back to the car which had broken down outside the doctor's rooms (which are at the hospital). The Band eventually had to call a mechanic to come tow the car. It kills me that we were Right There. If there had been some kind of sign or warning we were right at the hospital for ages, but there wasnt.

It was a busy evening. Waiting at the mechanics for a while, then off to show face at a farewell. Not sure, but I think I started to feel quite tired there. Then we went to the mall. Whenever we go on holiday we each buy a book and a cd. In the CD shop I suddenly was overcome by this overwhelming feeling of emptiness and sadness. It was so strange. My lower back started to ache. I went to sit a while. The sadness had no logic and so I put on a happy face, but it was there. A horrible feeling.
I wonder at that now. Was it premonition? Had she already died and my body knew it?

Home, bed. Ow. Back ache. So sore. Like period pain in my back but bad. At about 4am I lay in the bath for ages, just topping up the hot water inbetween. I checked my pregnancy book and it said that back ache was one of the early signs of labour - baba could arrive within the next week or two! On that happy note I was quite positive about it. Mildly excited even. Little did I know that somewhere during that night Sophia had died.

By the next morning the pain had eased to tolerable. The Band helped me pack, hot water bottle was positioned on my back and we left for Plett. By the time we arrived at Beacon Isle the pain had gone.

I wonder now, at this time, whether the pain in my stomach, which believe me is very real, is coincidence or somehow psychological.

I am now bracing myself for the days of reliving that are ahead.

13 comments:

MamaMeeA said...

Thinking of you. Also, here you have a ready shoulder and an open ear whenever you need it!

Tara said...

Thinking of you! If you need anything, just let me know ok!
{Hugs}

Sharon said...

Thinking of you. This must be so hard in such a complex way. So many mixed emotions, swirling around and making you dizzy. I'm around if you need and ear and a shoulder. Lots of love and hugs and many prayers being said. xxx

Kristen said...

what a hard thing to have relived for us. I hope you get to feeling better soon.

Virginia said...

Thinking of you and knowing nothing can make this better.

Gina said...

((((((HUGS)))))))))
Thinking of you my friend!!!!!

Rebecca said...

The looking back...if it was a movie, there would be signs in the mundane that could be easily read with meaning. But this is real life, where shit happens that just plain shouldn't. I know I look back and wonder why I was so oblivious (when really I wasn't). Hindsight is painful at times. I hope these days are kind to you.

ExMi said...

hope the reliving and the remembering starts to become easier. thinking of you. xx

phillygirl said...

Shoo, this must've been a very tough weekend and no doubt will be a hard week. Will be thinking of you!

meganstow said...

*big loves*

xxx

cassey said...

many hugs

Anonymous said...

Caz
Just to let you know that Coenie and my thoughts are with you and Steph over the next few days. God has given you both the strength to face her birthday with courage. I pray that Thursday will be a day to celebrate her memory and that you will remember the times that she was with you in the womb. I know you will experience God's presence in such a tangible way, just think she will be watching you from heaven blowing out her first birthday candle with your gran. Kez

Angel said...

Oh Caz...