Wednesday, August 25, 2010

the inevitable topic

The Band and I went for dinner the other night. Casual chatting. Something about a little boy. Then a conversation something along the lines of:
Me: Hopefully the next one is a little boy and then the factory can close.
Him: What? you can't just say that!
Me: well...
Him: We always said 3 kids.
Me: yes, and we've had two!
Him: Yes, but you know what I mean.
Both: let's not talk about this right now

But it upset me. Quite a lot. In retrospect, he's right. It's not something you just say without a decent discussion. I'm not even sure if I mean it or not. But what got me so shaken was two-fold: the thought of going through the terror of another pregnancy, let alone another two, and the realisation that he actually really doesn't know how hard it was for me.

Pregnancy was HARD. TERRIFYING. Worth it? obviously. That goes without saying. And always and forever it is not something I take for granted. I am grateful.

But I am also tired. 2 long pregnancies. A year and a half (more actually) of watching what I eat, drink, do. My body has been through a lot. It is stretched and reshaped. The fear... wow. The nightmares. Months and months made up of moments of sheer sickening terror. I can't tell you how different I feel without the constant fear companion. I have joy too and grief of course, but that nasty, suffocating fear is gone and I don't welcome it back!

In reality, in time, perhaps I'd consider another two pregnancies. But I think I need The Band to realise how much this has cost me. How I held my breath throughout. In real life I put on a brave face, I guess, and I'm sure it's my fault he doesn't really know. I've seen that with family as well - my mom for example - I really think a lot of them think I'm all fixed up now, because I'm not forthcoming with where I'm at (not in real life at least) and if they don't ask, I don't say.

I would definitely be open to one more. Not for me - I feel like Sophia in heaven and Tandia here are enough right now, though that could well change - but for her. I want her to have siblings and family. I want her to have nieces and nephews some day. I want her to have companion(s) when we go on family holidays. All that.

But two?

Two would mean me having FOUR pregnancies. That is A LOT on any woman. Then add to it that they will be high risk pregnancies, that I will be scared. It's big.

I think it's also just far too soon to even contemplate. I am still too worn out from the past year and a half. I think that I need time.


cassey said...

Gosh lady, it sounds like it'll be a tough conversation; but I'm sure the band will want you to be ok. Hope you're having fun with your little lady :)

Tara said...

Oh Caz...I don't even know what to say.

Just keep talking to one another ok? It's all you can really do!


Kristen said...

I think for now just enjoy Tandia and let your body & soul recoop from all that it's gone through in the last year and a half. Make sure to stay open with the Band of course! :-) I Think about you often and pray that life is treating you kindly!

Cam said...

Caz, I must apologise!

I've been a bad blog friend...

...I didn't even know you guys had give birth yet. Congratulations, am so happy for you two.


po said...

Oof. I would think exactly the same as you. That he doesn't understand the depths of what you have been through. The thing is, he probably does have a good idea, not the whole idea but a good one. I have a feeling he saw an image he has been saving in his head for a long time, an image of your family as he idealised it for many years, being threatened and it just popped out of his mouth. I'm sure if he had thought about it a bit longer he wouldn't have said it, but at least now you know that it is an issue.

Erk, sorry for all that, I think you deserve a good rest!

k@lakly said...

That's a hard one. Why not, for now, just focus on today, and not worry about what you want for the future. You have been through hell and back. You need time to rest and not think about getting pg, being pg, any of it. Just revel in your gorgeous baby. And let things be for a year or so.

Maddie said...

A couple of weeks ago, DH and I were talking about something (can't remember what) and he said to me with tears in his eyes 'I'm scared you'll never want to get pregnant again'. So I think he gets that this is hard for me but like you, I don't think he really understands just how scared, anxious, and exhausted from trying to keep it together I am most of the time.

I'd just give it time and tell your husband that in a year or so might be a better time to bring up the conversation.

ExMi said...

i'm so totally one and done. look, i know i can say it glibly and aside from perpetual morning sickness, my pregnancy was easy. but a two year old boy AND another baby? I don't think I have the patience. Never mind the toll it will take on the body.

anyway. i wish you love and strength for when you do have to make that decision, some time in the future.

MamaMeeA said...

Yep. I've been pregnant 5 times (and no, I'm not referring to the almost pregnancy I recently blogged about) in total and carried 4 of those to term and it is no joke! So, in that sense, I totally get where you're coming from.
And I think it's important that you be as open and honest with your hubby as possible about where you are at, not only because he can't be expected to know if you're putting on a brave face, but because, sooner or later, pretending that everything is okay is not enough anymore.
Love & strength to you, lady. There's a lot of us here for you whenever you need a shoulder!

Gill said...

Hi Caz, I always feel like my comments on your blog posts end up being about me and not about you - which is totally wrong, and not my intention at all. But here I go again.... speaking from experience....

My husband had (has!) NO IDEA what I went through (partial abruption, premmie, 2 ectopic pregnancies and 1 fantastically normal pregnancy). He has not got a cooking clue... I love the man dearly, but we went through some tough times as a result of his complete failure to understand and what I perceived to be his insensitivity to the toll taken on me emotionally and my body physically. It's taken me 15 years or so, but I realise now that he never will understand and I just have to accept that.

I firmly believe that time is a great healer. Pain that feels never-ending and too much to bear, eventually fades and although scars remain (literally too!), I eventually felt that I could face those fears and that pain and do it all again.

My advice to you is to give yourself time hun. Don't even think about more babies yet and don't let anyone, not even yourself, put pressure on you about siblings for Tandia.

Enjoy her, heal, and one day when the time is right to be thinking about siblings, you'll know in your heart if you want to embark on that journey.

Sarah H (from Glow) said...

I'm with you on the 'doing pregnant FOUR times to maybe get three living children' thing. One down, and TTC is a slog for #2 who will maybe live. We've had / will have this conversation many more times. I reserve the right to shut the factory down at any time. Being pregnant is hard, and I only know it from the 'all babies live' perspective I used to have. I can't imagine how it feels post-loss.

All that to say, I get what you mean.

Angel said...

Taking the time to recover is very important for any woman who's been pregnant!
I can imagine The Band and your family would have no idea how hard it was for you, and it would be so hard to explain...