Saturday, August 07, 2010

Changing Lanes

*Spoiler alert for LOST fans*
In a recent episode of LOST, some of the survivers are in a submarine and there is an explosion and it starts filling with water. Sun's leg is stuck. The others leave, but her husband stays to save her. They realise he can't get her unstuck. She begs him to leave, he refuses. He'd rather spend their last moments together and die together. Beautiful. Romantic. But tragic. Especially tragic coz they have a daughter who just became an orphan.

A friend of mine was raped as a teenager. Someone broke into their home - their safe place, their refuge - and raped her. She told me that after that she'd sometimes go walking late at night. Almost shaking a fist at life and daring it to throw something else bad her way.

It sounds so silly, but I can relate. After Sophia died I felt that same angry rebellion. Rather than live in fear of something happening you almost want to dare it to, to face things head on. Sure, in my case that never went much further than driving faster and without a seatbelt (yes, yes, mock me if you must) but the sentiment was there. I may have been truly reckless with myself were it not for the realisation that that would be incredibly unfair and selfish to The Band and my family.

Anyway, yesterday I left The Kernel with The Band and popped to the shops. I was interested at how cautious I was. Not simply with my own driving - I'm a safe driver by nature, but even with other cars - the situations that were out of my control. I was literally praying for my safety and protection. Not in a fearful, panicked way. Just in a simple "please keep me safe" kind of way.

My dad is like that. He takes good care of himself, exercises, watches his cholestrol, because he knows we need him. He is the glue, the stability, the anchor of our family and he recognises this and cares for himself. It is the kindest thing he can do for us. The greatest gift he can give us.

My daughter needs me. I need to be ok, to be safe, to be healthy so I can look after her and that's a good realisation and responsibility to have.


MamaMeeA said...

I can totally relate. I was raped 10 years ago (you can read a little bit about it on my blog:
For the longest time, I never realized how much anger I carried around in me afterwards - even long after I thought I had let it go.
But becoming a mother and coming to terms with the changes in one's identity and perspective as a result can make things that were once very well hidden stand out and make you wonder how you could have gone through life this long not seeing them!
I did the shaking my fist thing for years afterwards and really only realised after having children how selfish and irresponsible I had been.
I've never watched an episode of LOST in my life and doubt I would be interested. But faced with a scenario where there was no saving me, I would consider it the ultimate betrayal for my husband to stay & die with me instead of going home to our 4 kids...

Sarah said...

Wow. My heart goes out to your friend and fellow readers who have experienced rape. So sad.

Also, it is amazing how becoming a mother opens your eyes to your own mortality and how precious your own life is, not just the wee one. You have to keep yourself safe and healthy FOR your little bug and it's amazing to see it in such a different light. I am constantly praying for our safety and well being. Not that praying will keep us from something inevitable, but for the peace of mind that there is someone out there keeping us safe.

Joanne said...

Your Dad sounds like a star! btw I will send you an invite to my blog as I have gone private (long story) x