Wednesday, September 01, 2010

de ja vu

A friend visited this morning. While she was here some flowers were delivered. From my parents. Saying they are thinking of us this week. With those flowers came the end of the illusion that I'm fine and this is just another week. With those flowers the return (with a vengeance) of the old familiar nausea. With those flowers a time warp back to one year ago.

I sucked it up and pretended to listen to my friend. Relieved when she left at last.

A year ago we went through to Knysna for lunch, to a place called Cornuttis. It is gorgeous. Right by the Knysna Heads. I remember some older people chatting to us, asking if this was our first. We smiled naively, innocently, proudly.

I remember being anxious for the pregnancy to be over. I was missing my baby - since she had "dropped" on the Friday night she hardly moved at all, and when she did it was totally different. Very slow and soft. Or so I thought.

For some reason I don't have bad memories of Plett, as in I don't dread going to Plett - even though that's where we were that week. But Knysna. I think of the place and I feel ill. There was just an under current in that day of such dread and doom.

WOW I was in such denial. Idiot. Oblivious. I wonder if I will ever forgive myself for not realising, or admitting. Probably not.

10 comments:

cassey said...

hugs

Kristen said...

I'm sure it won't help at all but you really cannot blame yourself. *Hugs*

Virginia said...

There was no way you could have known. Truly. Hugs.

Emma's Daddy said...

I know it is hard to accept (perhaps even impossible) but what happened is not your fault.

Thinking of you at this time.

Maddie said...

Hugs. It took me a whole day to say something about Matilda not moving and I was sitting in a hospital bed with nothing else to think about. Please don't blame yourself.

Maddie x

CuriousRobyn said...

We all have regrets. But it's okay. We're stronger because of them. xx

Alet said...

Big hugs!
I will be thinking of you this week!

Ruby said...

Thinking of you my friend...you are in my prayers. *hugs*

Angel said...

Caz... Caz Caz Caz... I wish I had some magic words or phrase or something to make it a little easier...

Joanne said...

Hugs and I think of you and Sophia OFTEN