Thursday, July 01, 2010

We're nearly there

Time is somehow passing by against all odds. I guess the world cup helps (I wonder if there is any girl in the country who's watched as much soccer as me! I'm really quite into it and will probably have to blow vuvuzelas to put the Kernel to sleep when she's born!). I've somehow been busy with a million little things - final touches on the nursery (hoping to be done by Saturday in which case there will be a MASSIVE photo shoot at long last!) and, in the midst of all the baby preparation, we have made an offer on a house. Ya - apparently we don't like to keep things simple and timing is not our gift! Anyway bla bla bla it is exciting and all that, but it's not really top of mind for me at the moment. We will hear back from the bank in the next week or so and then we'll know if we've got it in which case I'll tell you all about it.

The Band and I had the official Names Talk the other day. We chatted through a bunch of names and eventually pretty much decided though we'll only decide for sure sure when she's born. The Band said to me he'd thought very little about names and perhaps it was because he is protecting himself in case something happens. That was quite hectic. He is always the strong, rational one. The optimist. The voice of reason. It was hectic to hear a little about his fears. I've seen it in other people too (though none of them would admit it I'm sure). My mom would sing to Sophia and wanted to feel her kick and all that. She bought heaps of clothes and stuff for her, but with The Kernel she's done none of that. I think she is guarding her heart as well. A few of my friends are the same. Even my CEO said to me "we will celebrate when she is here". Some people refer vaguely to "the situation" I am in and can't even say "pregnancy" or "baby". They skirt around the topic when it comes to me.

How does that make me feel? Firstly bear in mind it's all subtle of course. I guess it makes me feel sad. Sad for The Kernel. Poor little thing. She's done nothing wrong and yet people are guarding their hearts from her. Of course I understand it completely - you'll remember in the early months I did the same thing until I came to a point where I was strong enough to consciously decide to celebrate her because she deserves it and because even if the worst happened I'd never regret loving her, just as I have never wished that I loved Sophia less so that it could have hurt less. I guess it's just another sad reality of pregnancy after loss: people guard their hearts.

On the positive side I have had a handful of friends who've taken it upon themselves to celebrate with me and sometimes in spite of me. My one friend drops off a wrapped present in my postbox every Friday morning to celebrate another week of pregnancy. How awesome is that? The gifts have ranged from bath toys to babygrows to matching mom and daughter bangles to edible treats and so on. Another friend of mine who I work with talks to The Kernel every time she sees me. She's gunning to be favourite "aunt". People like this have helped stir my excitement and I've needed that.

Yesterday was our final scan. The Kernel now weighs a little over 2kg meaning she'll probably weigh about 2.2 at birth. I'm really hoping and praying she weighs at least that much coz babies still lose weight and I don't think a baby can go home if they weigh less than 2. Anyway we have the cutest premmie outfits and nappies all ready for her - even the newborn stuff looks hefalumpish in comparison!

On Tuesday and Wednesday I will have steroid shots and on Thursday evening I will go into the hospital (can't wait - will feel much safer when I'm there!) and we'll get the induction going so that by Friday morning we should know whether natural will be possible or if we have to go for a caesar.

I can't believe this time next week I'll be just about to drive to the hospital. I don't even know unpregnant Caz anymore. And what of the mourning? What of the moment when I no longer have to keep it together coz I have a baby on board? Is there a massive dark hole ahead of me? Am I the most prime candidate for postnatal depression ever? Or will The Kernel bring such healing and joy that the mourning will continue gently as it has been? My friends who've been through this - a child after losing one - have had such varied experiences. All I know is that I can't wait to hold this little girl. Good luck to The Band, my folks and any other visitors... they will be very lucky if they get a chance to hold her... maybe if I need to pee but that may just be it! :)


Mel said...

Maybe some people are trying to guard your heart as much as their own?

Either way, The Kernel is one lucky girl, to be surrounded with such thoughtful people like your friend delivering the gifts. She will never be loved in the same way as Sophia, but that doesn't mean she'll be loved any less.

Thinking of you on the home stretch - can't wait to see some pics!

CY said...

Been a lurker for the longest time :) All the best for next week! said...

Well I go off radar tomorrow as we are going on holiday for three weeks. I send the very best thoughts, (to the extent that I can) prayers) and love to you and the Band and the Kernel. May you now peace over the coming days, and joy by the bucket load!

Look forward to hearing all about it on my return

Love, Hugs, Peace and Joy

po said...

Hectic. The time is soon. I look forward to hearing all about it.

Rebecca said...

It's just about GO time! Very exciting, and I'm shooting all sorts of good thoughts for you guys out into the universe!

Sharon said...

I'm so excited for you. I'm really looking forward to your first blog post after this precious angel is born. I actually wish I could visit!! But I think you live too far. You'll all be in my prayers anyway. xx

Caz said...

@Mel - Probably but it makes me sad for her. There will be an annoying amount of photos Im sure :)
@CY - hallo lurker :) thanks for delurking!
@LITR - thinking of you guys too. Hope the holiday is fantastic!
@Po amd Rebecca - thanks guys :)
@Sharon - I know!! The Band totally doesnt get my online community. haha. I think he still associates social networking and blogging with those pasty freaky IT guys who never get outdoors. But I'd love to meet you all and for you all to meet The Kernel!!

totally cooked said...

when your Mommy busts loose and shops it's going to be an explosion - hope you have cupboard space :)

arkwife said...

Yay! I can't believe its so close. Can't wait to see a pic of the precious little #Kernel :)

angel41222 said...

Oh lawdy Caz, this post gave me such a lump in my throat!!
The time has just flown by, and I just know- with all my heart- that those who are guarding their love will have all barriers simply dissolved by this precious little girl when she arrives.

irishdad said...

Positive thoughts to you, The Kernel and The Band from Ireland.

Danny, Julie, Jack and Mari said...

I completely understand what you mean about guarding one's heart. But all of that will completely melt away and fill with love when she's here!

And, while I'm not in your country, I think I've likely watched as much world cup as you have! What a wonderful past time.

Much love, Caz!