Monday, July 26, 2010

Double helix

So in about grade 10 we all learnt about the double helix structure of DNA: two parallel strands spiralling upwards with the odd ladder rung between them. Our biology teached had a model of DNA on his desk and every year on the anniversary of the discovery of DNA by Watson and Crick he'd bounce the model from left to write and sing a few lines of Happy Birthday. It was pretty special.

A double helix is where my emotions are.

I am filled with joy, gratitude and a heart set to explode from love, especially in moments like this:

When my gran died she left me a book in which she'd recorded her proud gran moments - times in my and my brothers lives that were precious memories for her. On one of the pages she writes "Every time a new grand child is born your heart swells even bigger to make space for more love. You can actually feel it happen". When I bathed Tandia last night I felt that happening.

But at the same time, running parallel to this time of unbelievable precious beauty, I'm perhaps sadder than I've been all year. Not only is this time a reminder of all I have missed with Sophia, but I think while pregnant I was so consumed with fear that there was less space for raw grief.

At church yesterday the pastor said something along the lines of "thank God for his kindness toward you" and at once the familiar lump was back in my throat. God has been indescribably kind to me (just see the pic above!) but still - in the same moment that the placenta ripped from the uterus lining, my child, my daughter, was forever ripped from this world and from me, her mom. And yes, I use the word 'ripped' because it feels that violent.

The weekends are good. I am happy when I'm around people and when TheBand is around. But many week days are not. Especially the mornings. Especially today.


biite me said...

You don't know me, but my thoughts are with you. I am a mom to two boys and I know if I had lost my first son, I would have lost my mind.
I don't know what to say to you, I don't think anyone can make it better, but please know that people are thinking about you and your little Sophia and just wishing you strength and white light.
Take care.

Shayne said...

Oh Caz, i don't know what to say. Is there anything anyone can say that will make it better? Just know that there are people out here who are praying for you and are here for you - in some way.

You do need to grieve tho, just not really what you want to be doing when you have such a precious bundle in your arms.


Sharon said...

Oh my, what can anyone say. Grief is so necessary and yet how can you grieve with such a precious bundle around? I have no answers, only prayers that God will sustain you and be your "more than enough" in this difficult time. Lots of love and hugs

Kristen said...

such a fabulous picture! Caz remember to talk to people about the feelings you're having. It only makes things even harder when you keep it to yourself. I bet you're having a lovely time loving on that baby girl though!

cassey said...


Beth said...

I can't imagine going through what you have been through, but I do know after having my daughter my emotions & hormones were EVERYWHERE. It was worst on week days just like you said b/c people aren't around as much and you are just so sad (for me I didn't really know why, you obviously have had great grief and that is a big part of your sadness). But anyways, I think some of this is the hormones, and that part does get better, so try to hang in there. I have loved reading your blog, and I am thinking about you. I am so happy for you guys and your beautiful daughter and so sorry for your past loss.

The Blue Sparrow said...

You descibed it perfectly, the double helix of emotions that losing a child leaves in it's wake. I dont have any genius words of inspiration to give you, just that I'll be praying your through. *HUGS*

Maddie said...

Huge hugs. Nothing I can say is going to take your sadness away and like someone said above, I think grief is necessary too. Just enjoy the wonderful times and keep breathing through the sad ones.

The picture is georgeous.

Maddie x