It has been so so long since I’ve written to you and this is the first time I’ve typed to you, I’m sure.
How are things? What is your news? And now you really can’t say nothing!
I guess you already know the news from this side. Or maybe you don’t? In many ways I hope you don’t. Too much sadness. When you died so suddenly, just days before I was due to see you again, I felt robbed. I felt robbed that I never told you my plan to name my child after you. I felt robbed that I never got to share my pregnancy with you, but now I see God’s wisdom in it all. Sophia’s death would have broken your heart. My heartbreak would have been excrutiating for you and now I am thankful that you never had to know of it. I’m grateful too that I never told you about my name plans, because they changed when she died. I couldn’t have both Sydney-Ellas in heaven with me still here.
I’m glad you never knew of Pierre’s his awful death. That would have hurt you so much and I’m so so glad that Phoebe outlived you. In some ways her death would have been the hardest of all for you – others may not understand that, but I do. I really do.
Today marks 7 months since my little girl was born and today I miss you so so much. I think in some ways I delayed some of my mourning your death, knowing I would have to deal with it once Sophia was born – I had so wanted you at her birth and it would be bitter-sweet without you, but then, of course, her birth was marked with tragedy and I’ve mourned ever since.
At the end of the month we are all going to be in Kei Mouth and when I think about it my heart always lifts in excitement, but then it drops again when I realise that neither you nor Phoebe will be there. It just will never be the same. The last time I was there, we had a baby shower for Sophia. Now even she will not be with me.
I wonder what things are like where you are. I believe that you, Sophia and Phoebe are together – my three girls. WOW what a reunion it will be – I long for that day.
Don’t get me wrong Noon, and please don’t worry too much. There is still much joy in this life. Stef, as you know, is an incredible man. My best friend and a source of joy and strength. Also this little one on board – I fall more in love with her with every little kick and nudge.
It’s amazing how different the character of two babies can seems – even in the womb. In some ways this baby seems more shy, quieter than Sophia. With Sophia I think she was like you and I – an adventurous, feminine tomboy. She would have climbed trees and journeyed to Antarctica.
This little one, I suspect, will be a gentle lady.
Noon, one day I’d love to bring both my girls to lunch with you. You were intent on making me a lady (you! Who declared that many foods simply tasted better when eaten with your hands!). We’d go to The Quarter Deck – The height of elegance in East London – and we’d have cloth napkins on our laps, a good glass of white, those incredible hot rolls with garlic butter. You’d order the sole and finish off with a cup of coffee. I don’t remember what I ate.
I wonder if you know what’s happening here? Mostly I don’t mind if you don’t know. You and Sophia – I don’t want you to be sad for me. I really don’t want that. I don’t want you worrying about me. But here is some stuff that you would want to know:
Firstly Mark has finally moved back to South Africa! You wished for this day for years and years and years and finally it has come. Two weeks from today he is due to be married to a girl named Sara. Imagine – you would have had to stop calling him Marky Boo – that was the deal, remember? You were allowed to call him Marky Boo until he was married. (Who knew it would take him so long! )
And so Matt and his new wife – Karen (you knew her) – will be in the country as well and the whole family will be together in the Cape. If you were here you’d have bought your outfit about 6 months ago when they first got engaged! You would be SO excited. You would come stay at our house for a bit and would absolutely proud of it and of me and you’d come with to my next scan and would DEFINITELY cry – “Happy tears” you would assure me.
But no, you are where you should be, surrounded by so much love and so many who are so precious to you. I am so grateful for the years I had with you – they must have been such difficult years for you – almost 20 years after your husband’s death – and yet you never complained, never lost your joie de vivre, your sense of adventure, your giving spirit. I don’t know how you maintained such grace, but you did.
Please give Sophia an extra big hug for me today. I long for her in a way that words could never really touch on. I am so grateful you were there to meet her and that Phoebe is there too to watch over both of you.
I love you Noon, God bless, love me
Saturday, April 03, 2010
thoughts of Caz at Saturday, April 03, 2010