Friday, April 16, 2010

Stripped naked

I am in Riebeek Kasteel for my brothers wedding. The wedding is tomorrow and tonight we all had snacks and drinks at a nearby restaurant. I had no idea how rough it was going to be for me. 

I saw some people for the first time since Sophia and many people for the first time since i've been pregnant again. It has been horrible. 

Everyone is, of course, very nice, but it's the same look, the same concerned questions and the same false self-assurances over and over. 

Concerned frown, head tilt, "and so? everything going ok with this little one? You going for lots of scans? What's the doc say?" as if assuring themselves that it will be fine. THERE IS NOTHING I COULD HAVE DONE THEN AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO NOW. 

People who I've known of perhaps, but have only met tonight for the first time all seem to know. I can see it in the way they look at me, in the things they say or don't say. I am, as my boss's wife so tactlessly put it, "that woman whose baby was born at 38 weeks... Dead." I can't make the casual chat with strangers that is required at these sort of things. How can I when I am snowed under by that unspoken title? How can I be frivolous and chatty and cheerful and happy when I know that from the corner of thir eyes they are watching and wondering about me and how I'm doing and what the story is. 

I feel like my heart (which in real life I keep safely and firmly tucked away far from all but the most ardent seeker) has been plopped out on display for a room of family, family friends and strangers. It is horrible. By the time I eventually feigned tiredness and snuck out I could hardly breathe. I am lying here feeling sickened and dreading more of this tomorrow. 

Sophia is my daughter. My mourning her feels so personal, so private that I have even stopped sharing it on this blog. Tonight it felt like something of that was put on display. Of course it wasn't overtly, but it felt that way and maybe I feel robbed by that. I have very little of Sophia but my grief. It is a precious thing and never to be shared flippantly. 

12 comments:

cestlavietlb said...

Just be strong. Most of them Care about you (all of you) and are just concerned about you. Many people don't know what to say or what not to say. And most are probably just worried that they'll say the wrong thing. I know I would be if I ever met you for real. Just be as strong as you can be. This too will pass. Lean on those who do understand and keep blogging. I hear shrinks cost a bomb these days! They're recssion-proof after all!

Maddie said...

I'm sorry it was so rough on you. They're all the reasons I avoid social occasions but my BIL 30th is coming up next month and I'll have to go to that.

Hope today is better to you.

Maddie x

irishdad said...

I'm glad to read that things are going well with the baby.

Going out and meeting people you haven't seen since EverythingWentWrong is tough. I think at times like this you need to stick close to the core people who you are comfortable with, and do the things or stay out for a period of time that suits you.

Sarah said...

You're doing the best you can, better than I am sure I would do. It is hard, being on the other side of someone's loss, not knowing what to say or how to say it, because we just want you to know that we care. So, Caz, I care and I pray you continue to stay strong. Try to have fun tomorrow.

k@lakly said...

Caz,
My heart aches for you. I hear my fears, my memories of being pitied by people who really didn't get it. The idea that they would ever think "wow, that would never happen to me or anyone I know.." and then pepper me with questions that were only meant to reassure themselves that somehow "I" had done SOMETHING to cause my baby to die...., it's awful. It's just so fucking WRONG.

You are much braver than I ever was. I hid from everyone. I'm so sorry it sucked. So very sorry.

A very good blogger friend of mine wrote on another db mom's blog a few weeks ago. She wrote what I think are probably the most brilliant words ever said to a db mom. And I am going to hijack them here for you. Because you, like the other mom the words were intended for, deserve them.

Hang in there, Caz. You can do hard things.


xxoo

Simply-Mel said...

I am so sorry to hear how you are struggling. I cannot imagine. I think that these people would be devastated if they knew how they had hurt you, caused you such agony.

Some of us can never understand what you have been through and its intensely difficult for us to communicate as we feel we may say the wrong thing. (speaking for myself, I guess?) but ultimately we do care even if we stuff the words up *all the time*.

xx

Being Brazen said...

*big hugs *

Kristen said...

My heart aches for you and I wish I could some how make any hard feelings go away for you. You are such a strong woman, good luck tomorrow!

Danny, Julie, Jack and Mari said...

YES! It IS so personal -- like the life that we have once we close the door to our home. It's ours, to share only with the closest of friends and family. And when the whole kit is spread out like it's for sale it almost cheapens it.

Caz, you're strong. Stay focused on your brother's big day and the happiness that you, the Band, the Kernel and Sophia have for him.

Much love.

Anonymous said...

I think people mean well and think if they dont ask questions or say something about it that they will seem rude/cold/uncaring, so they say what they think they should....no harm intended.

(one time I told a lady I was sorry to hear about her sister passing, and she said thanks and I then said "that's life hey" I'm so bad in situations like that and always kick myself afterwards) some people are just bad at things lol my mind goes blank and I blurt out crap.

Anyways, I totally get what you mean about it being personal and I wouldnt expect someone to talk about the death of a close one to me unless they wanted to and me and the person were very close.

If it were me I would just say I dont want to talk about it to those people. They wont take offense and its better for you.

angel said...

Oh lawdy I'm sorry it was so rough...

Caz said...

thanks guys xxx

one woman asked me if I would use the same name for this daughter (!!)
and another guy said "ya I've been through something even worse" (!!)

I managed to keep my cool and remember that in awkward situations people say stupid things.