Monday, November 30, 2009

Goals update

I seem to have lost a post somewhere... but anyway!

A quick update

Goal 1: 6kg down and have started a bit of road running. Went this morning with The Band which was cool.

Goal 2: Have put together a very detailed calendar step by step for getting the business started. We were told last week that our offices will be moving from Stellenbosch to Cape Town by the end of next year. Feels like confirmation for me. There is no way I am happy to spend 2 hours a day in traffic and even less so if we have a child by then, so ya, feels like the end of an era, and my mind is pretty much made up.

Ooooooh I nearly forgot! I went to the SHRINK last week! I was quite disappointed: no lying on a chaise lounge like in the movies... just sitting on a couch (hardly the same!) It was good. Some of it was very helpful, particularly as she specialises in pregnancy related psychology and understands the medical side of things... ya, who knew there even was such a thing. Basically she was on the whole trying to see if I was suffering from post traumatic stress and if my marriage was suffering. negative and negative. I am doing fine, just walking the long and lonely road of grief. I won't go back, I don't think it is necessary, and she doesn't either, though she gave me stuff to read and things to look out for.

Anyway, that's me and where I'm at. Still fragile - yesterday a friend with a newborn mentioned something in passing about another friend who is having her caesar today. It was actually quite a funny story and at the time I laughed, but minutes later it hit me again: the sickening realisation that yet another friend will be having her child (the first of my friends to have a girl since... and she will be dark haired on top of it) and I am stuck on the same treadmill, running and running and getting nowhere and watching their joy, their self-indulgent pity (*sigh* I am getting no sleep *smiles fondly at baby*) UGH! and drowning in envy and what ifs and could have beens. Putting on the brave face when I see them, crying with the pain when I'm out of sight, and feeling the emptiness of here.


Shayne said...

Quite funny the lying on the couch thing - was disappointed to that I had to SIT on a couch - altho she did have the requisite tissues nearby!

Well done for going and knowing that essentially you are doing OK. Grief is a long road that needs to be dealt with day by day - and you sound like you're doing that too.

Anonymous said...

Sorry about the couch - I mean after all you have been through you deserved better.

I think it is a good thing that you went. I went for councelling after Abigail died. Since none of us have been here before it is good to know where we are is where one would expect considering...

I would say the same regarding the alergic reactions to pregnant women and babies. These may take you by surprise but they are to be expected really. They will ease with time but that may be a year or so.

Our neighbour has just had a baby, and our other is about to have one in a couple of weeks. Babies on both sides of us - we are the infertile jam in the baby sandwitch! NICE

Grace and peace to you

Caz said...

if everyone else could just press pause on the whole reproducing thing... just for a bit!! it would help! :)

SUCKS being the Jam. we are also surrounded where we live. Baby cries and worse - laughter - on two sides.

Caz said...

just received the sms from the new dad... "XX was born this morning, she weighs 3.6 and is beautiful." etc etc.


Maddie said...

I went to the supermarket today and was OK until I saw a Mum putting her baby girl into one of the trolley seats. Then the tears started rolling behind the sunglasses (that I now can't leave the house without).

Tamara said...

Well done on your goals progress, Caz.

I'm glad things went well with the shrink (except the severe lack of couch) and that she gave you some tools.

I'm still thinking of you and praying for you. Hugs!

Simply-Mel said...

You are doing amazingly well, the trip to the shrink just confirms it. You sound stronger - learning to walk alongside your grief and not to feel like you need to put it away is a journey of note.


CottonSocks said...

I'm also newly seeing a therapist and it is helping me tremendously. I've thought I was doing well, and truly only went because that was the deal made to get my OB to give the rx for the anti-depressants I needed so much, but I'm surprised how much it's helping (especially with getting off the anti-depressants now).

It's nice to get that confirmation of sane-ness though, isn't it?

Babies and pregnant women are so randomly hit and miss pain for me. Most of the time, no problem. But there are some people that just feel like a knife to the heart.