Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Crossing the void

I've always marvelled at people who have suffered great loss in their lives: my friend who lost both parents in the space of a few months, my cousin who lost her dad as a teenager, acidicice who lost her first baby about 5 months into her pregnancy, QCC who lost the love of her life.

I've always wondered how they carry on. How they manage to keep going and see the hope in each new day. How they endure mundane conversations and big events. How they drag themselves out of bed in the morning. The answer my cousin once gave me was "you just do". No matter what loss you have faced, there is still beauty in this life. Beauty enough that it's worth getting out of bed for (most days).

I suppose for me I want to be the kind of person my daughter would have been proud to call her mom.

People keep asking how I'm doing. Well it depends when you ask. The mornings are bad for some reason. Maybe its the prospect of a whole day stretching out in front of me. Yesterday my best mate had her baby. I am happy for her (and very very glad hers is a boy) but it still rips at me. Her and I were meant to be experiencing this together. Sometimes I feel vaguely like my normal optimistic self but that never seems to last very long. I have never known such a void. Such loneliness. Such emptiness. I feel seperate from everyone else. I feel heavy and tired and old. I feel hopeless.

I know that doing nothing is not going to help, but as soon as I go for a walk or anything mildly energetic I bleed more and am in physical pain. Very frustrating. I'd love to be able to crank up the ipod and go for a jog but my body is not up to it.

I'm trying to have things to look forward to. Here are a few:
1. I am going to have my daughter's name tattood on my wrist
2. The band and I are considering scrapping our december plans and going skiing or yachting instead
3. I am excited for the day I can exercise... I have missed the endorphin rush of a jog
4. We might get a kitten

On Friday we are having a small memorial. We have a gorgeous back yard and I'd like to have it there - weather just needs to cooperate.The family are arriving in their droves from thursday. I am looking forward to having my folks here.

14 comments:

acidicice said...

Babe. You're doing splendidly. PLEASE contact me if you need to talk, vent, cry, scream, anything. Even if you just want to be quiet. Send me a blank e-mail.

EVERYTHING you do now and feel now is normal. It's not going to go away for quite some time. I still cry for my baby despite having a new one inside me. Don't beat yourself up about anything you feel. Allow yourself to grieve, as long as it takes.

You will make your daughter proud in your strength and resillience. You are mommy to an angel and she will always be there watching for you.

The tattoo is an awesome idea. I was about to get mine done when I found out I was pregnant again.

Go and read this, it will hurt and make you cry...but in some ways, it will help:

http://www.acidicice.co.za/?p=170

Leebeesa said...

I have always wanted a big fat orange kitten, who hated Mondays and loves lasagne I could call Garfield. A friend of mine acidicice lead me to your blog, and I know I am a stranger but I wanted to extend my sympathy to you losing something so precious must be nothing less than hell. You are in my thoughts and I wish you lots of blessings to come.

Mrs. Holly Hall said...

I recommend the siamese kitten. Artsy, beautiful, loud and they never get chubby.

Also, when people ask you how you are doing, you can give a stock answer "some days are better than others, today is a good day" and then, if they really want to know, tell them.

My heart hurts for you Caz. And I am so honored that you are sharing your feelings here.

And yes, one of the reasons I am who I am is because I want my children to be proud of me.

hugs to you.

Being Brazen said...

*big hugs*

Joanne said...

Thinking about you lots and lots. Time, this is going to take time. Any chance we can drop a meal off for you and your guests? joannemc@mweb.co.za

po said...

Caz I think the idea of the tattoo is awesome.

Doing nothing doesn't always help, but a person needs to have time to grieve.

quartercenturycrisis said...

The tattoo is a fabulous idea. I just had one done - it's not as obvious as a name, but I know what it is and each time I see it I remember who it is for.

Thinking of what S would want for me has also helped a lot. At times I personally didn't care if I spent the rest of my life on the couch in my pyjamas watching tv, but I know S would want and expect so much more from me. The strength to get up doesn't come from him, it comes from me. It's in me, but sometimes it's easier to reach it by saying I'm doing this for him (or for her) and not for me.

Another thing I learned is that you don't have to be ok all the time. Sometimes you need to not be ok for a while. Don't beat yourself up when those times come. Never apologise for how you feel, because no one but you can truly know what you are going through.

So much love to you and the Band Caz...

Gill said...

{hugs} Caz - just want you to know that you are often in my thoughts and I've been praying for you and the Band.

Love the idea of the tattoo. I'm sure it will be an enormous comfort to you.

Tamara said...

Praying for good weather for your memorial, that your body will heal soon and for people in your life that can penetrate that void of loneliness.

Thank you for sharing your heart's deepest ache.

I think the tattoo is brilliant. I'm also convinced that kittens help us heal. Maybe have a look at http://www.petspower.org.za/index.html. It's an animal rescue organisation in Helderberg.

S. said...

I love the idea of her name tatooed on your wrist. whave a lovely way to remember her. i hope the memorial goes well. big hugs.

loesil said...

hey caz - i sent you a message on facebook. hope you got it! thinking of you sooo much, and is really happy to see how positive you are. great stuff! let me know if you change your mind about the kitten and rather want to opt for a ridgeback - i've go the number for a great breeder ;)

Kaylen said...

The tattoo is a lovely idea.
Nothing can help, but somethings will make it less hard.

Kittens bring joy in small ways. :)

Bruce said...

I just returend from an extended absense so I am still catching up. Reading back through the past several posts, my jaw sort of dropped. I recalled that Sophia Grace was on the way, but didn't pay a lot of attention. Expecting mothers post about the most bizarre things, and like so many others I have known, I assumed everything would be fine. I was looking forward to your post delivery on motherhood, but alas, that obviously won't be happening. I can't offer words of solice....I don't have any that are deep enough or profound enough. The only thing constant in life is change and you just endured more than most people get in decade. The hurt will fade, albeit very slowly.

While it is a poor bandaid.....at times like this, a kitten never hurts.

Caz said...

thanks guys