Tuesday, September 22, 2009

where we're @

Yesterday overlooking the sea at The Brass Bell the Band and I chatted a bit for the first time in a while about where we're at.

I mentioned that in some ways it feels like I'm mourning alone. Well in some ways that's true.

It is different for him. He is filled primarily with gratitude for the time we did have with Sophia Grace (Yes, I am totally doing the mom thing and using my child's full name). He is grateful that I am alright. He's grateful for the support of my folks and so many friends and family. He is grateful that we will see her again some day.

He is also burdened a bit by guilt. He feels guilty that I have to carry this thing so much more than anyone else and forever. Though I suppose he knows that I wouldn't let go of this grief given the choice - in some ways it feels it's all I have.

He seems so relaxed. So ok. I know he's hurting too, but I still feel so lonely in my grief. I feel like I will forever be a bit apart from everyone else. I miss HER.


Mrs. Holly Hall said...

Caz: Oh my heart breaks for you. I feel very priviledged that I can read this, your words here. I think you are right, this maybe different, how you are grieving and mourning. I hope you can reach out to the band, take his hand, lean on him, receive hugs.

Even if you don't feel it, even if you feel alone, physical connections mean a lot.

hugs to you.

Caz said...

Thanks MrsHH. You're right - physical connection is important.

Kaylen said...

My heart aches for you both!
I believe that the Band is mourning a different type of loss than you... he may not fully be in your shoes, but he is in very similar shoes.
Take comfort with each other, and your super-cute new kitten!

acidicice said...

I felt like my husband didn't feel it at all. I felt like he was not nearly as affected by it as I was. He seemed to have it all together and carry on with his life like nothing had happened. He never cried. Not once. Somehow that hurt. How could he not? Did he not love our baby? Could he not see how broken I was? Did he not care about that?

Guys just seem to cope with things completely differently. Somehow my husband wanted to spend time away from me, probably because he couldn't "fix" me or the problem. He sought distraction elsewhere. That hurt too. It nearly ruined us.

It is a very lonely burden to carry, but you do not carry it alone.

Gill said...

Caz I know it's not at all the same as what you are going through, butI just wanted to share my experience with you. I had 2 ectopic pregnancies and my husband and I dealt with it completely differently. It really came between us for a while. I found I built up resentment, because Grant seemed to be getting over it so quickly...not good. My advice is to really talk to each other and share how you're feeling, it's so important. Even if you are in "different places" it helps to get it out and talk.

Caz said...

he said to me - soon after it all happened - that he will mourn differently to me and I must never think that doesn't mean he is not missing her too. Guys are different. Very different. And that's fine. I have someone to hold me when I cry and that's what matters i guess

Tamara said...

I think you guys are making the best possible decisions by talking through it, even though you are mourning in different ways. Together in the aloneness.