raging hormones and the case of the flame thrower

I am grateful for the fact that I have gotten off ridiculously lightly thus far in terms of pregnancy. All my other knocked up mates are having episodes which put mere PMS to shame. TV ads bring on tears, husbands become enemy number 1, etc etc.
I've really had none of that. In fact I'm loving life mostly. Not because I'm blossoming with the joys of motherhood or anything as deep as that, but mainly coz my metabolism has sped up and I can eat what I want without gaining weight (HOW COOL IS THAT??)plus people are nice to me and keep doing stuff and buying stuff for me.

Anyway, my first and PLEASE LORD LET IT BE LAST emotional episode finally happened circa 3AM this morning but I guess the foundations for it have been laid over the last week or so...

To start with, I was in Durbs earlier in the week - yes, I know I travel a helluva lot and I have a massive carbon footprint but at the very least my travel is for a good cause, k?

hmmm... I may be a little defensive today.

Anyway it all started in Durbs. I managed to spend a bit of time with my GORGEOUS neice who is 4 and the cutest little girl on the planet. Oh please... you doubt me?
Doubt this:

She is very excited about the arrival of a cousin and quite fascinated by the whole thing. The low point came when we bathed together and she asked if the baby was being grown in my boobs. . . . . . ehem.
Well to be fair, I could see how she could get mixed up. My stomach is a pitiful JOKE in comparison to The Pamelas. Now the flat-chested among you may find this amusing and even complimentary, but mine were a very respectful size to begin with.

Anyway, with my changing body well and truly top of mind now, it also occured to me sometime yesterday that tomorrow (Saturday) I will in fact go from being somewhere in my mid-20s to being in my mid- to late-20s. I TURN 27 TOMORROW. This depressing fact lurked within my self conscious.. er i mean sub conscious.

Last night the sweet infant growing within morphed into some sort of FLAME THROWER and for the first time I experienced the agony of "heart burn". HA! Heart burn sounds like a benign little crush. This was like the Fires of Hell dancing in my throat.

The final straw was The Dream. I dreamt the band was at an arcade??? and when he emerged we were chatting when some chickie who he had been "playing" with came out to say goodbye to him. Well the skanky hussy was little and tomboyishly sexy. Wench. And as she departed The Band gazed on wistfully and murmured "I wish she lived a bit closer... she's so interesting".

Well I woke up (ok, I woke up AGAIN - there's A LOT of waking up to pee in my life at present!) and I was feeling OLD, MISHAPEN and THREATENED by the sexy chick with the boyish figure who was so bluddy interesting to The Dream Version of The Band.

I went to make Hairy Boon (the Baboon shaped hot water bottle which I have stolen from Harry) and some milo and got back into bed and then they started....
Hot, Self-pity filled tears streamed down my cheeks. "She's so interesting!?" Bluddy hell. I AM INTERESTING THANK YOU VERY MUCH! And I wouldnt be peeing all the time, and be changing shape if you hadn't knocked me up in the first place!!!
INTERESTING!!

At some point The Real Non-Dream (and No Longer Dreaming) Band woke up and realised I couldn't sleep so he played with my hair a bit and eventually offered to put on an episode of The Big Bang Theory for me. Ah. So at 3 this morning we watched a big bang theory and then I fell fast asleep and had sweet dreams and woke up feeling my usual wonderful self and being all excited for my birthday tomorrow and that, lads, is why you are lucky to be MALE!