Friday, September 25, 2009

The Twilight Zone

Looking at me now you wouldn’t say I gave birth 3 weeks ago. The water retention is gone from my feet and face. My stomach could use a few sit ups but its not bad. My boobs are up a cup size which I’m pretty bitter about and that’s about it. That’s about all I have to show for my pregnancy.

I’m in this weird inbetween place now. I don’t quite fit into the group of new moms but I also don’t fit into the childless category. A couple of random people have asked if I have kids – a salesperson, a manicurist, etc. I can’t bring myself to say “no”. I can’t say I don’t have children. I have a daughter – how can I not acknowledge that? But answering yes inevitably leads to more questions and the admission that she died. Conversation killer right there.

Also body wise if I’m being fitted for a bra or trying on something the reality is that I don’t know what my body is going to do yet. I don’t know if I will still get smaller in the next few weeks. It’s been 3 weeks but I’m not breastfeeding – obviously – so maybe there won’t be more change. Who knows? But I can’t really, like any other mom, say “I just gave birth a couple of weeks ago” with a big happy smile on my face.

I’ve been through 9 months of pregnancy like every other new mom. I went through 36 hours of labour but I don’t fall into the glowing, sleep deprived new mom category. I have no cute little baby to show off to the world. The other day I went somewhere and took The Guv with. People gathered around me admiring this cute little kitten but they should have been gathered around admiring my baby. All I have to show now is a slightly worn out body which is pumped daily with a bunch of prescription supplements and weekly with very sore injections.


Mrs. Hall said...

This is indeed a tight spot. Hugs to you.

Mel said...

The twilight zone indeed. I wish I had some profoundly wise words for you. I dont. May His peace enfold you and His grace be sufficient for what each day brings you. xxx

po said...

Hey Caz, I hate those "unanswerable questions." I still haven't figured out a good answer when people ask me about how many siblings I have, and my brother died 8 years ago. I feel like if I am honest I will shock and put people in an awkward position, so I lie and pretend I never had a brother. It makes me feel awful. I had a brother and I don't want to pretend otherwise.

Maybe you should just tell people the truth. You have a right to your pain, to announce it. People should know what you are dealing with, if they are around you. You want to remember her and lying just feels awful.

I don't know, both options are awkward. Am thinking of you.

Bruce Johnson said...

Tihs sort of void can't be a very happy place to be. Hang in there.

acidicice said...

It's terribly awkward. If people ask me, even now, if it's my first baby I say no. It was difficult to talk about in the beginning, but it did get easier.

Now I can talk about Jamie and acknowledge her without turning into a puddle. Sophia Grace is your daughter, you are her mother. Nothing can ever take that away from you or change that.

I totally understand how you can feel like you're not really a mother because you don't have a living child. I struggled with that for a long time too. You will find though that people (especially women) will acknowledge your motherhood, with or without your baby.

Nothing worse than giving birth and leaving the hospital empty handed.


Jo said...

We are all thinking of you lots and lots, only the other day whilst watching brothers and sisters, my stomach lurked and I thought of you and the band. Hugs and more hugs x

Caz said...

thanks guys x

Tamara said...

I'm so glad you are blogging about all these incredibly hard things, Caz. I think it's good to express how you're struggling and what you're feeling and I admire your courage in this murky, dark space. I think it's therapeutic, but that there will also be women who read these posts and know they're not alone in one of the hardest things that can happen to anyone. Hugs!