Friday, January 22, 2010

Where to start on this one??

There is so much to communicate in this post. I've anticipated writing this for so long and yet, here I sit, struggling for words.

First off, I guess, for any reader who has lost a baby... I hope that this post doesn't cause you any pain. I hope it brings you hope.
For any reader struggling with infertility, my heart breaks with you, I hope that those around you continue to pray for your miracle when you no longer can.
And to those who've read this blog since back when life was normal and my biggest concern was the endless goading of those infernal rain spiders: thanks for sticking with me :)

Today is a happy day... mostly. There are a bunch of other emotions floating around there too, of course, but high on the list is happiness.

Here's why...



This is a test taken in early December and today, somehow, marks that first major milestone of 12 weeks.
I know I know I know. How could I possibly not have told you about this? I have felt very guilty if it's any consolation!! The Band and I really wanted to keep this on the down low at least until we made it to the 12 week scan. We knew for more than 3 weeks before we even told our parents! (told them at Christmas) so I hope you don't feel too betrayed.

I am very grateful now, that we made that choice. Against all odds the first trimester sped by and I think it's because noone knew and so it was barely spoken of. Once you are showing, people ask you how far you are basically daily so you are constantly aware of time, this way we could almost not think about it and while that may sound awful, it's been a blessing. I am terrified. I have been anticipating this week's scan for so long now that I had completely freaked myself out by the time I got to the doctor. I have had barely any "symptoms", you see - immune system was low and blood pressure was low but that has really been it - and in some ways I was beginning to think the whole thing was in my head. To finally see a little person on the screen almost surprised me. Then I freaked out because it seemed so still, but wonderful New Gynae pointed to the heart galloping along and I could finally breathe again.

Here's what I saw:


Introducing The Kernel


So far everything is fine... on monday baby was just over 4cm from head to bum and now the real growth begins.

At this stage we have named him/her The Kernel. This was because baby was heading for the size of a popcorn kernel when we found out, but with time we are hoping baby will graduate to The Colonel and take on The Guv!! (surely a Colonel outranks a Governer??)

So where are we at? I am an emotional basket case mostly. My first emotion when I found out was a massive sense of gratitude. Too many people struggle to fall pregnant and I've read of their pain and feared it. A pregnancy is not something I could ever take for granted. It is not a given, it is an absolute blessing and privilege and not one we take lightly. Pretty soon after we found out we had our first appointment and there was some "free fluid" hanging around. We were told it could mean nothing or it could indicate an ectopic pregnancy. Three endless days of waiting for blood test results. I was already in love with this little one and going through that so early on sucked a lot of the joy out and replaced it with cold dark fear. Finally we heard back that everything was fine, but in a way we felt a bit scarred by that. After that I was scared - any little ache or pain would worry me and I was constantly bracing myself for blood. I think in my mind I set the next scan as a deadline to myself... if everything was fine there then it would be time to suck it up - all the fears and worries (haha.. ok, perhaps that's a bit ambitious) but to make a conscious decision to celebrate this pregnancy and believe that perhaps there might just be a living, breathing baby at the end of it.

The reality is that I am deemed "high risk" now. Placental abruption has a 15% recurrence rate - unless it was caused by a fall, which it may have been, but I will never know. And so there'll be a few precautions - for one I had to take additional folic acid (on top of the preg vits) for the first 12 weeks, from now on I have to have 1/4 aspirin a day... something to do with promoting placental growth. I will have more frequent scans and I will be induced a month early (somewhere around the 9th of July!!). But there are no guarantees, and this is the part that makes my heart pound and my breathing shallow.

Next Thursday we are off to the foetal assessment clinic and we will more than likely find out the gender. Any guesses? The Band and I think it's a boy.

We are starting to tell people now and I am nervous... worried about their reactions. This doesn't solve everything, this doesn't stop us mourning Sophia, everything's not magically fixed now, BUT this baby does bring his/her own joy. This baby does deserve to be celebrated and loved.

Keep me in your prayers guys... it's a terrifying road we're on but we're very grateful to be on it!

32 comments:

phillygirl said...

Aw hon, I can't even tell you the size of the smile on my face as I read this :) I am so happy for you & the Band and look forward to regular updates on the little Kernel ;)

totally cooked said...

WHOO HOO - chase the 12 - the nicest people are born on the 12 ;)

ExMi said...

i am so very happy for you.

words cannot even BEGIN to describe. xx

ExMi said...

ps: boys are wonderful. and i'm not just saying this because i have one.

Caz said...

Thanks ladies :)

Maddie said...

Congratulations - I'm glad you're on this road.

I've got my fingers crossed for an uneventful pregnancy for you.

Maddie x

quartercenturycrisis said...

Ah Caz, the mysterious Tweets make sense now! Big congratulations to you and The Band, and thank you for sharing this with us. I'll be thinking of you throughout.

SwissTwist said...

Such wonderful news.. congratulations :-)

Shayne said...

So so wonderful.

Goosebump stuff.

I am so delighted for you and The Band.

And whilst The Kernel will never ever replace Sophia, he/she will bring such joy.

You will be in my thoughts/prayers for the next 6 months Caz.

WOWOWOWOWOW!

Cam said...

Big Congrats Caz...So so happy for you guys.

Formally know as Ches ;)

livingintherainbow said...

Caz

This is wonderful news and I am genuinely delighted for you. I so much want you to know all the joys that a baby will bring to your family.

I also appreciate the worry you must know now you have lost your naivity! Be gentle on yourself and try to enjoy the special moments as much as you can.

I also know that this in no way makes up for Sophia not being here and that you continue to grieve for her.

Thanks for your gracious words and thoughts for those of us left behind.

Love

Being Brazen said...

WOW!!Congrats!!!

Awesome news indeed.

*big hugs *

cestlavietlb said...

Oh WOW!! I am SO thrilled for you guys!!
Don't let fear rule you, try not to let the possibility of bad stuff overshadow all that is so good and wonderful about this!
Eeeeee!!! So happy!

po said...

Congrats Caz, holding thumbs for the most uneventful pregnancy ever.

Simply-Mel said...

:-) Just the bestest news for this new year.

Easier said than done but yes, I agree with cestlavietlb - try to celebrate each moment of this pregnancy and take those dark thoughts captive before they build paths in your mind. You can be sure I will be praying for you specifically in this area.

xxx

Yaya said...

Yay! Congratulations!!!!!!

B said...

Congratulations. That's really great news.

Caz said...

Thanks everyone!! WOW you all delurked!! Lol!

S. said...

OMg Caz!!! I am SOOOO happy for you! This is wonderful news! I knew you would be blessed with a child again. I am so glad to hear that you are feeling well and that things are looking great for you and the kernel. Cute nick name, BTW. I am not sure if you are still following my blog or not, but it is now private and if you want to continue, shoot me an email: samama8 (at)gmail(dot)com CONGRATS!!!!

Joanne said...

Hi, no delurking here.

I am SO happy for you, I am sitting with my Mum and telling her your story, and she is telling me about my Dad and his first wife who had here first baby and both of them passed away and all the hurt he had to go through alone. Awful. We will both be following you now. xoxoxo Let me know if there is anything here (Uk) you want or need. x

Bruce said...

Well, first of all CONGRATULATIONS.....hope springs eternal.

Now that thats out of the, I am going to sitting on pins and needles until July. I am placing bets on this one. Keep us posted, we'll be hanging on every word.

Blue Sunflower said...

Ooh Ooh I am sooo happy for you....

This is fantastic news and I pray that all goes well.

Wow - Congrats to you and the band....

Blue

Kaylen said...

Such great news!!! I'm hoping it goes smoothly.

I'm excited to hear the updates!

Danny, Julie, Jack and Mari said...

Oh, Caz! I just read your comment on Glow. I'm so very thrilled to know your news! I will be sending up the most positive thoughts for little Kernel.

Much love,
Julie

Nicole, Graeme, Janel and Nathan said...

Oh Caz! That's fabulous news! Congratulations.

Of course, this doesn't mean you stop grieving Sophia. Prepare yourself that some people won't understand that. Even now that Nathan is here safe and sound, and even though he brings me more joy than I thought possible, I still cry over Zoe. I know some people look at me weirdly, but I just try to ignore them.

If you want a fetal heart rate monitor you can use at home, let me know. I haven't sold my one yet, so you're welcome to borrow it (or buy it, if you'd like to). I used it a lot when the dead baby thoughts threatened to overwhelm me, especially as we got closer to the induction date. (You can email me on bornsleeping@gmail.com)

Praying for you guys!

Slyde said...

awesome awesome news! i am so happy for you.

i've felt for you these past few months. im sure this is welcome news indeed...

Champagne Heathen said...

One massive congratulations and I hope the fears are easily quelled and the pregnancy goes so smoothly!

Emma's Daddy said...

That is brilliant news! I hope that the next months go by smoothly and quickly.
I will keep you in my prayers.

Tamara said...

Caz, that is AWESOME! So excited for you, the Band and The Kernel. Can't believe your first trimester is already over!!! Looking forward to the updates. *jumps up and down with glee*

Louisa said...

Congratulations! That's great news... :-)

angel said...

I'm happy for you.

angel said...

And in all honesty- if I were to fall pregnant now- I would also try to keep it quiet until that magical 12 week marker.