Friday, December 25, 2009

When you are those "other people"

I guess I've been bracing myself for Christmas. Dreading it. Considering how it was meant to be in comparison to how it would now be. But the pain is never in the obvious things. It's not sitting around the christmas tree opening gifts knowing that your most precious gift is not with you. It's not sleeping in the same room you always do when you are home and not in the one with the cot that you had envisioned sleeping in. It's not waking up on christmas morning knowing that the little red "my first christmas" bib is still sitting in the cupboard in Somerset West never to be worn by Sophia. These expected hurts are dull, present, but not sharp.

The pain is in the unexpected. Wondering if Sophia's name would feature (along with the other family member's names) on my folks' christmas tree and finding that in fact a delicate glass orb with an angel inside has pride of place on the tree, with Sophia's name and birthday inscribed on it. The walls of my parents' house are laden with photos of my neice - their only (living) grandchild. In the garage yesterday I saw the car seat my mom had bought to keep for when we visited with Sophia this holiday. These seemingly benign things rip and claw at my heart.

My brothers (one of which was married last week, another of which is engaged) and their significant others excitedly discuss the prospects of children. With some puffed up bravado they talk of the responsibility to have a boy to carry on the family name. Still, despite what has happened, so oblivious to how fragile, how uncertain childbearing is. It's as if the attitude remains "it'll never happen to me", that sort of thing only happens to other people. That was once my unconscious belief as well. Sometimes, though, you are the "other people".

Lately my grief has morphed into something which I suspect is more similar to the grief that The Band has experienced. In moments all the other side issues and complications are stripped away and the naked longing to hold my daughter is all that is left. It is like a hunger of the soul. A hunger that will remain insatiable this side of heaven.


Yaya said...


We were with my in laws all day yesterday. My brother in laws wife is pregnant with their #2 so conversation revolved around that at times. I found it so odd that she could have such joyous confidence in her pregnancy, at only 8 weeks along. I long for that naiveness again.

Caz said...

Heading back to the cape to my inlaws today which also includes a pregnant sis in law. 6 months. They are over the moon and it's hard to be around that. Thinking of you yaya. At least we are in this together! X

livingintherainbow said...

Tough time for you guys. I am sure it s difficult to be around the "Shiny Happy People" when you are broken.

Some people can be insensitive. But at least part of it is that you have changed. They can still care for you but they don't get it because they haven't been through what you have.

You will know happiness again. But Sophia will always be a massive loss for you - a hole in your heart.

Be gentle on yourselves.

Nicole, Graeme, Janel and Nathan said...

((((HUGS))) I promise you it does get easier as you go along, although the pain never goes away fully. But the "firsts" are always rough... I love that your folks had a Christmas bauble for her on their tree. That is really amazing and so precious.

I long for that naivety again myself. I found my next pregnancy a lesson in managing my paranoia. I lost Zoe at 37 weeks, so for Nathan's pregnancy it lasted the ENTIRE pregnancy. I could only breathe a sigh of relief, relax or really 'enjoy' the pregnancy for the first time when the gynae put him on my chest and I could see he was breathing and alive.

You are in our thoughts though, at this time. Hang in there, and be gentle with yourself... it's still a long road to walk.

Blessings on you both, and on

Joanne said...

Thinking of you and Merry Christmas to you the Band and Sophia x

Bruce said...

I usually get a bit depressed around the Christmas season, because I feel that the whole memory of it has been corrupted from one of family and loving to over commericalization. But after reading your observations of Christmas present, I should keep my mouth shut and count my blessings.

Hope you have a Happy New Year.

P.S. Please take a second to fill out my blog roll survey. You input would be appreciated. (only 7 questions).