Friday, September 02, 2011

Then

This time 2 years ago the nurse had by now called in the midwife to try find the elusive heartbeat. The midwife thought she'd heard something maybe but couldn't be sure. I was so so thirsty.
My throat was dry. They wouldn't give me water in case I needed to have an emergency Caesar.

They called in the OBGYN. She put on the ultrasound. She was unequivocal (perhaps mercifully so) but in that annoying doctor tone "this is where we would expect to see movement over here. There is none".

Stef was pacing like a caged tiger, calling people. I was stuck on the bed. In shock. What did this mean? How could this happen to us? Competing with "of course this was inevitable. Who did I think I was trying to have it all."

I really do hate the 2nd of September. It marks the loss of innocence. The loss of blind faith. The loss of childhood even - and I mean my own. It's not the day Sophia died and it's not the day Sophia was born, but it is the day my world ended.

9 comments:

Maddie said...

The loss of innocence just keeps on coming doesn't it.

Sending my love and remembering your precious Sophia.

I'm not sure if I've ever told you but your's was one of the very first blogs I found and read and kept me afloat in those early days and weeks.

Maddie x

Lynette said...

{{HUGS}} I have no words.

Natasha C said...

Big hugs to you xx

B said...

Thinking of you and of Sophia.
xxx

Angel said...

I'm sure you've heard it before, but your faith has inspired me.

clare said...

Still brings a lump to my throatxx

Quin said...

Wow...Thats so extremely sad, I don't think I would ever get through that. So sorry for your loss and all my love and best wishes for you and Stef and hope God sends you a miracle soon to soothe the pain you going through now.

Tamara said...

3 October will be that for my friend B. She lost her baby girl, Jennifer, yesterday. She was due this week Thursday or Friday.

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