Thursday, June 09, 2011

death be not proud

Today began with an sms from a friend telling me her friend had gone into labour the previous evening and given birth to her daughter at 24 weeks. The little girl lived for less than an hour, lying on her mom's chest.

I agreed to go chat to her this afternoon.

In the meantime I got voice message from the hospital. There's been a stillbirth. Would we come.

Wednesday is the day I will be on call.

I went.

It was awful. The part with the mom was wonderful. She was lovely. But to see that baby. That baby who should be full of life and noise and colour, instead devoid of all this and more. Too soft. The mom didn't want photos and it was the right call, but she wanted hand and footprints and with the help of a very very kind nurse, I took them. I think that moment will haunt me always.

Or will I become immune? Hardened? I can't even begin to describe it and you wouldn't want to read it.

But it meant everything to the mom. I took a photo of her baby (you could just see the bundle) with a teddy bear and gave her the photo and the teddy as well so she had a keepsake.

We spoke - I loved that part. She was lovely. Asking all the same questions I did. Feeling guilt and despair and kinship with me and I with her. Common ground like no other.

This evening I went to the mom of the 24 week old. No baby, just mom and dad. It was good. The mom needed to talk and needed the freedom to talk to someone who understood without explanations. Again - the kinship of shared tragedy.

Home to Tandi who has missed me and is battling to sleep. She has cried and cried this evening and TheBand has now closed me out the room. Rationally I understand his approach, but not tonight. For ME that's not the best thing. For me to hear my little girl's heart breaking tonight is the last thing I need. But I don't feel like fighting over it. And so I went and sat in the dry bath and sobbed. And then I came here to blog. Hi all - this is coming to you live from my hellish day.*

* what would a hellish day be without issues from blogger. Hence not live in the end... written last night and posted today


Gina said...

You are so brave.
I cant wait to meet you one day IRL so that I can give you a great big hug.
In the mean time (((((HUG)))))))

Nes said...

Oh, Caz. You are really amazing. I hope today is a little easier for you...sending you a virtual hug!

B said...

You are amazing.

I hope you have some kind of support/debriefing system set up - or a plan to get one? You can't carry the sadness and grief of everyone who goes through this on your own. You will need help. Even if it's just group support from the women you're working with at BBS.

I'm so sorry that you need to do this. That babies keep dying. It's wrong.


cassey said...


I agree with B, a debriefing system is a good plan.

Nes said...

Hey Caz. Feels like the wrong place to say this but want you to know that I really love your blog and I gave you two awards (just see my blog for more info). Hope today has been better!

Anonymous said...

Huge huge hugs. Sounds like a terrible day :(
U are doing an amazing thing. U need to let it out tho - agree with above comments... Don't bundle it up inside, alone.
Well done caz, u are awesome!

Maddie said...

You're amasing for doing what you did yesterday. Sending hugs your way. xx

Julia said...

I read this post and the previous one with tears in my eyes. You are so very brave. Sending you big, big hugs.

Julia said...

ps...I gave you an award on my blog.

Lynette said...

I am over from Julia's blog. You are one amazing young lady...and no! you aren't hardened or immune...what you are doing is the most beautiful act of love I have ever seen. So selfless and supporting. I am glad I came over here today, it makes me realise that there is still a lot of people out there that REALLY care.


Angel said...

I am at a loss for words Caz...

Sarah said...

Wow Caz...what an amazing thing you are doing. I love this idea, especially now that I work in a hospital and I know that every birthing center should have a liaison just like you.

Busana Muslim said...

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