Saturday, May 22, 2010

The whys and the what ifs

My mom called this morning to tell me of the death of a little boy we'd met a couple of times in Morgan Bay. His name is Callam and he's the most gorgeous child. The sort of boy who grabs your heart in an instant. His parents run Yellowwood Park and we've gone there for lunch a few times. Whenever we do, Callam is around, usually covered in mud and full of curiosity, curls, freckles and mud. The way a little boy should be.There are very very few children who stick out in my mind - certainly none that I don't even really know. Callam is the exception just because he was so precious.

On Thursday Callam was hit by a car.


I've cried much today for Callam and for his parents. The world is poorer place without Callam in it. I have only an inkling of what his parents must be going through and their pain. I am so so sad for them. For the hole that is now in their lives. For the journey that they must now begin. The journey of life after Callam. It really is not fair, is it? Why him? But the whys and the what ifs are dangerous... They'll drive you mad.

This week has been tough. I've felt a little of that drowning feeling, that creeping depression threatening to set in. The Nothingness, like in Never-ending Story. I just miss my daughter. I miss her and I want things to be different, but they aren't. Nothing can change the fact that she's gone. I don't know why it's hit me harder this week.. last night was the first I've cried that wracking sob cry in a while. I've avoided it, I suppose. Tried to push it away ("I need to be in a good place right now, can't give in to this").

I wish Callam's parents didn't have to be on this road. It's a horrible road. I wish none of us had to be on it. Yes, time helps and you learn to breath again and you start to see that there is still joy and beauty and hope and love in this life, but always present is that loss. That grief. The way it should be but isn't.

Please pray for them, his parents and his older brother. They are in agony.

10 comments:

Yummy Mummy said...

My MIL phoned with the news yesterday morning. Horrible. So sad and unnecessary. We too knew them from eating there often. He and my littlest usually competed for the right to 'own' the treehouse.

The truth is that there are no answers. ever. and that is what is so hard to accept and understand.

You don't 'need' to be in a good place. You need to be where you are in order to get to the good place when you are ready. and you will get there. Time and more time.

Emma's Daddy said...

Awful, tragic news. They are in my prayers.

I hope the dread you are feeling lifts. I remember how hard we found the last bit. Lots of prayers for you all.

Maddie said...

I'm so sorry to hear about Callum - what tragic news.

When people ask how I am, I'm never sure what to say. I don't know how to explain what you said:
I've felt a little of that drowning feeling, that creeping depression threatening to set in. 'The Nothingness, like in Never-ending Story. I just miss my daughter. I miss her and I want things to be different, but they aren't.'

I feel like this for at least part of most days and the scary thing is I have the feeling this could go on for a really long time.

Hugs. And if you need to cry, cry. I'm sure your new bubba understands and regardless, she'll keep growing and be closer to being in your arms.

xx

Gina said...

I gave you an award - http://gnatj.com/2010/05/23/someone-thinks-i-am-worthy/

B said...

oh no no no. that's just too sad and too wrong.

keeping Callam and his family, and you and your family, in my thoughts.
xx

k@lakly said...

What a beautiful boy and what a horrific turn of events. I will hold him and his family close in my heart. Heartbreaking.
xxoo

Sharon said...

So terribly sad. You just hang in there and have faith. Hold on to what you know. Cry if you must but never stop believing. Lots of love and hugs to you.

Bruce said...

How sad.....he was one cute little tike.

Champagne Heathen said...

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http://champsheathen.blogspot.com/2010/05/seven-random-champers-facts.html

angel41222 said...

So very sad Caz. I wish I could say something to make you feel better.