Thursday, May 13, 2010

Mother's Day

You know that movie "I hate Valentine's Day"? Well the title was in my head all of Sunday. I think that I might just hate Mother's Day.

Laaast Mother's Day I was pregnant with Sophia and it was my first Mother's Day. It was exciting - I knew that come 2010 I'd be receiving a gift allegedly from my firstborn (but of course, actually from TheBand). I'd have that maternal glow. I'd probably be wearing a flannel nightgown and dodgy manky pale blue slippers. Hell, perhaps I'd even own some floral clothing. But no. I am not that person. I am basically physically the same person I was a year ago: pregnant. Wearing maternity jeans and my ol' faithful K-way fleece and Tsonga boots. Not the picture of motherhood. Of course internally I am a very different, rather scarred person.

I arrived at church and someone at the door was giving out gift vouchers to the moms. She hesitated and looked awkward not knowing what to do so I grabbed one and walked in.

TheBand was hosting the meeting and so I was sitting up front. They asked all the moms to stand. CRINGE. So what do you do? Do you stand and feel a gazillion pairs of sympathetic eyes boring into your back? or do you stay seated, denying your daughters? With gritted teeth I stood. I wanted to scream out that I'm not merely standing coz I'm pregnant, I'm standing coz I'm a mom of two! You don't become a mom when you nurse your child, you are a mom from the time she's conceived. You start caring for her from that moment - both consciously and unconsciously. My whole attitude to my body and my life completely changed when I fell pregnant. I began to consider the fact that it's not just me and I need to look out for my little one. Part of your heart is forever with that child, even if you aren't.

I got an sms from a friend "to a very special mommy-to-be" Her heart was right, of course it was, but I wanted to throw the phone against the wall. I'm not a future mom. I have two daughters. I am Sophia's mom and even if I wasn't pregnant right now I hope I would have had the guts to stand up. Even if I wasn't pregnant right now I'd consider this my second Mother's Day.

It's a stupid hallmark tradition, right? But it's also an opportunity for kids to honour their moms. I wonder how I'll feel come Mother's Day 2011. I think Mother's Day is always going to hold sadness for me. It's always going to remind me of loss.

After the service I grabbed a friend who recently miscarried - her first pregnancy - and I gave her that voucher and a big hug. She teared up. She too, is a mom. No one else will acknowledge that, probably, but she is.


cassey said...

Lady, you are and will always be a mom to both your girls. Yay you for knowing and standing up for it.

B said...

that all must have been so, so hard.

thinking of you.

Tamara said...

I'm sorry that Mother's Day is sad for you, Caz. I'm sure your friend was glad to have someone who understands.

angel41222 said...

I'm so sorry mothers day makes you heartsore Caz.
I kinda had the same "issue" with fathers day for most of Damien's life because the kids were tasked in class- Sunday School and school- with making cards or gifts for "daddy", and Damien almost always had to explain that he was making it for his Grampa.
Hugs girl. I hope that one day it won't hurt as much.

Kirsty said...

You are a mom.... regardless of whether your child is here on this earth, or went to heaven at 8 weeks gestation. One day you will meet sweet Sophia again... and whilst it hurts so bad for you left on earth without her, she is safely in the arms of jesus, smiling down on you.
I am so sorry for your loss. Time makes the pain less raw, but the sting never goes away. x

Bruce said...

This is precisely why I don't really care for the whole "Mother's Day", "Father's Day", "Grandparent's Day" thing. It was created by a corporation to use sentiment to make money. It is institutionlized without much regard to the individual or what they are going through. I tend to think that there are a lot of women and men out there in the world that want to be mothers or fathers, but can't....and days like this just make them cringe. said...

Of course you are a mum and good for you for standing up! All these firsts are the hardest!

I remember my first Father's day after Abigail died. I was taking a church service and got pounced on to do the kids talk too. Then... they had a song from Abigail's funeral before I preached. All I could do to hold it together.

Next one you can pick Kernel up and wave! But the thing is the whole day is hard for so many people - those that can't have kids as well as those who have lost. Not sure what the answer is because it is good to celebrate life too

Peace and healing

k@lakly said...

Mother's Day is never the same once you join the club. I hope that next year, you will have this little one tucked in your arms while you hold Sophia close in your heart and that it goes easier on you. What you did for your friend in acknowledging her loss and her motherhood was awesome.